Waiting for the Perfect Sunrise

2007-12-18T07:48:00.001-08:00

so...Im thinking this blog should be revived again...

revival of the blog

2006-06-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

So apparently there is a secret society called the Bilderberg who rule the world ( but we dont know it). So random! There was a whole bunch of people standing outside the Brookstreet hotel today to get a glimpse of the secret people. I found the rumours and the speculations very entertaining. Two guys waiting for the bus with me apparently believed that Angelina Jolie was a part of the Bilderberg, and that she really wasnt in Namibia right now...she is infact right here in Kanata. Haha...entertaining wait for the bus indeed.

So much has happened since the last time I blogged...the idea of getting married can be a lot of pressure. I used to think it wasnt a big deal and that its just like getting a new job...new people, new manager, new environment. But its so much more than all that. I think the pre-wedding complications are the worst. The extreme anxiousness of the families meeting each other for the first time. The negotiations between the two families. The random gondogol between the families. The anticpation. The anxiety. The excitement. Its all totally overwhelming. I must say that the shopping is loads of fun. But the planning part is the scariest. Not the actual wedding planning, cos of course thats being taken care of. The planning after the wedding. The move. The new life. The responsibilities. Im totally looking forward to it:D No more crazy room mates. No more sharing the refrigerator with and washroom with 5 people. 2 people is good..its a lot less crowded:) Im a bit nervous about moving to Toronto though. I never thought of living there. Its like hell city for me. The huge-ness of it is so intimidating. Yes, I know it will be ok when I move there. But I have a habit of stressing about stuff anyways.

My new Donald Trump-ish job is SO exciting. It sucks that its part time though. I love being a consultant...a LOT more than being a regular hi techie person:D I wish I could quit my regular job and work for the foundry program all the time:) THe people are so much fun, and so passionate about what they do...its great!

Words of wisdom: Flying monkeys will take over the world soon. Untill then...nitenite!

...

2006-04-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought it couldnt get any worse...it did. Im so sick..its bizzarre. But YAY....AMMUS COMING TO STAY WITH ME FOR A MONTH:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Its weird how bad things end up in a good way:)

I am finally trying to look beyond my degree...and trying to learn how to live with alternatives. Life becomes a lot easier when you lower your expectations from it.

I spent 3 hours on the phone with my Aunt today. My Aunt and I mostly disagree about everything under the sun...but I always make it look like I agree with her. Haha! No point in starting an argument which I know I wont win. So same ol same ol...3 hours of nothing much.

Im looking forward to going home in August. I need to recharge myself every now and then by going home. I also need to jump start that stupid sanitation project. Man its so hard to work with people in Bangladesh. No I rephrase. People are ok. Its the youth that I dont understand. I mean, Ive been trying to get this group of people to do stuff..like get info and all...its been 6 months now, and they cant get me a stupid spreadsheet from the mayor's office. Uggh. Apparently they are 'busy'. But Im busy too dammit. If I can make the time to do something good for the people of THEIR city..why the hell do they not want to co operate????

I am currently on a mission. A mission to reach out to the stinkin rich people (kids,students,youth) of Bangladesh to spend a measely amount of money on doing something for their own people. Cos to be honest, yes it is all Bangladeshi peoples' responsibility to do something for Bangladesh...but then again...why should I be raising funds here...when I know for sure that there are at least 50 families in bangladesh who can afford to pay for food and living expenses for a whole bunch of villages. So my mission now is to get the rich people IN bangladesh to pay for the less fortunate. I feel like Robin Hood. Only...I wont be stealing. Have to find a legit way...

Tangible Happiness

2006-03-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

Allah will not give me a burden I am not capable of handling. So apparently life is exactly what I deserve.
Friday night was fun. Ten girls in one house can be pretty crazy. And it was. I havent eaten so much in a long long time! Infact we all overate! I cant wait for this semester to end. I absolutely and completely dislike school.
But Im pretty sure it will end very soon...but untill it ends...I shall keep on complaining!
What does this post have to do with its title? Nothing really.

2006-03-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

Im so sick and tired of school. Sick of engineering. Sick of doing something I really dont enjoy doing. Sick of being stuck with engineering. Sick of not knowing what I can do to get out of engineering. Sick of knowing that I wasted 4.5 years of my life on engineering. Sick of hearing people tell me Im doing well in school, so this is what I should do for the rest of my life. Sick of feeling that its my fault I dont like what Im doing. Just sick of everything. But I guess life is still good in so many other ways! The glass must always be half full...ALWAYS.

Rang De Basanti

2006-02-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish people were given two chances...not just one. One life to live what is practical and financially wise. Another one to live your dreams, your emotions, and basically follow your heart. As it is now, I end up following my brain more than my heart.

For those who left home to experience the comforts of the west, Rang De Basanti is definitely an eye opener. Actually no. Its not an eye opener. Its like a this big crashing sensation. Suddenly things arent the same anymore. Suddenly you want to leave it all and go back. Well not necessarily go back, but rethink your life today. Am I really doing what I am passionate about? And underneath it all..what is it really that I am passionate about? I wanna just pack up and go home. But practically...I really cant :( ughh.

Reading week...yay.

Restart

2006-01-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

I havent signed in to blogger for so long...I couldnt remember my password!

So much has happend in the last one month. Well not really. I just went home...thats all. I shouldnt say I went home, because I was hardly ever home. Too many dawats, too many weddings and too much shopping. Regardless of all that, it was fun!

Home has changed a lot though. Infact everyone has changed. The house screams the fact that Dadiamma isnt there. I dont think it was a good idea going to her grave. Before I went to her grave it was just the feeling of missing her. But after I saw her grave it was so much worse. Not only is she not in the house, but shes in the graveyard. I mean I couldve spent the rest of my life picturing her sitting in her chair in the verandah. Now I will spend the rest of my life imagining her in her grave. And the worst part of it all is that I keep on dreaming about the trip to the graveyard.

Dhaka is fun...and disgusting. The extreme consumer-crazy-society is absolutely disgusting. The amount of money being thrown around on superficial materialism is sickening. I dont understand how people remain so oblivious to the poverty and helplessness all over the country. Although I understand its easier for me to see things differently being away from it all. I guess you grow up to be more and more selfish when stuck in 'the system'. But its still disgusting. By all means, the whole country somehow does seem to be moving forward, I dont know in what way though! Things seem so much more accessible than before. Things get done quicker than before. I actualy enjoy being in Dhaka. I mean yes, Rajshahi is a lot more pleasant and comfy and relaxing, but Dhaka is where things get done! Its the functional place! Or maybe I like it better there cos my friends are there. Well I still have friends in Rajshahi, but I relate to them less and less everytime I go there. Sad. Maybe I dont make sense. Maybe I grew up too soon. Culture clash. Getting mature ( or immature!). Growing up. Weird things.

I had an unpleasant conversation with Rangon today. I guess it was too early to tell her I dont think her boyfriend is competent enough to take responsibility! Ouch. Im mean sometimes. But some people need to hear the truth before getting hurt way too much. But now I feel bad, cos she's not in a very stable point in life right now. Im such a meany! Sa-MEAN!!!!

La la la la...Im kinda enjoying being back in school! People my age. Friends I havent seen in a looong time! Copying pre labs! haha! Havent done that in a while! But its SOOOO Stressful. Its definitely a lot more stressful thatn co op. Im glad by the way that my summer placement is settled and I didnt even have to go through the process of applying:D yay.

omg Im such a slacker sometimes. I planned on praying 5 times today...I missed every single one of them! I was on the phone 4 continuous hours today. But Im done calling everyone I had to call. So back to lab reports and project presentations.

Desperation and Anxiety

2005-11-14T17:52:00.000-08:00

When you hit a dead end and think theres no way out...there really is no way out. You have to convince yourself first that this is NOT infact a dead end, and things will work out on their own. I am at the verge of giving up on my project. It makes no sense to me. I have no idea what I am doing, and I dont have enough hours in the day to spend on the stupid cadence design. To summarize...I am scared out of my mind.

Lessons I have learnt recently include giving up micro management ( not everything will go my way), and to let myself be concerned about problems that are real. i.e. dont be concerned about the fact that your eye brows arent done the night before the bsa dinner. Instead be concerned about things like why Dhaka city is consuming so much electricity on lighting up the streets for important people coming into town, who could unless otherwise stated completely care less about illuminated lights, and focus more on providing stable power supply to its residents. But then again concerning myself on large scare issues like that are just as useless as me being concerned about my eye brows the night before the bsa dinner!

I tend to procrastinate to the point where I hit the wall and cant move any further back. That is exactly where I am at this point in time. Exhausted, burnt out, and a complete wreck having no sleep or proper food since the begining of Ramadan. Infact so many exciting things are passing me by ( masumas engagement, marias bridal shower) and I am totally numb and reactionless to it all. I feel like a machine running on a spare battery or something.Im surprised my body can take this much junk food without falling sick! That makes me wonder if humans actually have the ability to control physical health. I mean, maybe my mind is not letting my body fall sick, because I simply dont have time to fall sick right now!

Enough ramblings. I am totally not prepared for tomorows presentation, and I think the best way to go is to excuse myself from it saying Im not prepared and ask for the marks to be added to the final presentation or something. My mind is totally blocked and theres no way Im making 7 slides now. I need a break...fresh air.

Back From Oblivion

2005-09-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

I did not totally disintegrate into space. I just randomly chose to feel disintegrated. Too much to do in too little time. Full time work sucks. And top that off with 4th year projects and never ending hours of IEEE. But I must admit...Im having myself a whole lot of fun this month:D

So I happened to set foot in Vancouver after 21 very long years! It was amazing! The beauty was overwhelming!!!! I tried to find the spots I remember seeing baby pictures at, and retook pictures...im finding it really funny...the before and after pictures hehe! It was loads of fun. Made some really cool friends...random people who claimed to be IEEE members just cos the conference happened to be in vacnouver (not really!), and even the cup of coffee I bought at the airport was paid for:D LIfe treats me real good sometimes:DAlthough I came back to a shit load of 4th year project work...ugh.

I got my fifth piercing today. Hehe...I scared u there didnt I taans:P 4 on my ears and the 5th my nose. Dont worry...Im not that crazy. The nose is is actually a bit annoying...it keeps on coming into my line of vision and I turn cross eyed to look at it!!! Must be funny for people watching.

As for exciting news...Drishtipat Canada is finally starting up YAY! For more info www.drishtipat.org. Im so excited. Finally something meaningful.

Just a tiny non offensive note to those who are trying to promote their blogs by telling me to read it .... blogs dont work that way for me. And its really enough to leave a message once. If I was interested I would go back myself. But the fact that I didnt go back the second time just means Im not interested in your blog. Im sorry to be mean. But its a fact:)

My Sister's Stupid Meme ( this is the first time I ever filled out one of these stupid things!!!)

2005-09-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

1.What is your first name? Nuzhat....(aaaaaa dont tell anyone, I HATE IT!!!!!!!)

2. Were you named after anyone? nope

3. Do you wish on stars? nope

4. When did you last cry? That would be thursday.

5. Do you like your handwriting? I love it!

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Ew.

7. What is your most embarrassing CD? I choose my CDs very carefully! so none

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Yup

9. Do you have a journal? used to. not anymore. Well, have me blog.

10. Do you use sarcasm a lot? heh. a lot.

11. What are your nicknames? i dunno...Sam maybe.

12. Would you bungee jump? yup

13. Do you untie your shoes before you take them off? My shoes don’t have laces.

14. Do you think that you are strong? hahahahhahahah! NO.

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? I dont really like ice cream all that much. Or chocolate. Yes Im weird. Im a very anti lactose person.

16. Shoe size? 8.5

17. Red or pink? both

18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? my pessimism and whininess

19. What do you miss most? HOME

20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? please dont!

21. What color pants/shoes are you wearing? green pjs, barefoot

22. What are you listening to right now? cool-gwen stefani

23. Last thing you ate? Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki Sub.

24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink

25. What is the weather like right now? perfect

26. Last person you talked to on the phone? Maria

27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? hands! (i.e Fardeen khan is ugly, but he has gorgeous hands!!!!)

28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I am forced to like her:P

29. Favorite drink? water

30. Favorite sport? horse back riding i guess.

31. Hair color?dark brown

32. Eye color?dark brown

33. Do you wear contacts? nope

34. Favorite food? i dont enjoy food at all.

35. Last movie you watched? waqt*yawn*

36. Favorite day of the year? The day I go home.

37. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings.

38. Winter or summer? SUMMER OF COURSE!!!!

39. Hugs or kisses? hugs

40. What is your favorite dessert? like i said...i dont really like food.

41. Who is most likely to do this meme? dunno

42. Who is the least likely to do this meme and comment? dunno

43. What books are you reading? nothing. The last one I read was the power of one.

44. What's on your mouse pad? logo of carleton u

45. What did you watch on TV last night? Jay leno ( yes i have a sad life!)

46. Favorite smells? ralph lauren blue! Its so refreshing!

47. Favorite sound?dunno

48. Do you have a blog? yeah

49. Who is your first reader? I dont really know. Rashed prolly.

50. Rolling Stones or Beatles? none.

51. What's the furthest you've been from your home? depends.Across oceans i guess.

52. Do you have a special talent? YES. I have 10 best friends around the globe...I belive that is a very special talent!!!!

53. What is your ring tone? The stupid messed up phone hardly works!!! Ring tones dont work anymore...just the vibrate. need to get one of those new digital ones.

The Final Descent

2005-09-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

When things start falling into place, and everything seems to be working out, all you can do is sit back and appreciate life:D

I feel Ive been sitting through a very very very long flight, and finally the seat belt signs have just turned on and seat backs have been put up in their upright positions. The flight is about to land....for once and for all. I will never have to fly again.:D

Scribs...Im finally getting my metaphors right!!!!!!!!!! :D

PS. I absolutely HATE flights. Specially long ones. k, Good Night.

The Rubber Band Story

2005-08-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a far off land, lived a Princess named Smartypants. She lived in a rubber band with her parents, gradnparents, and her sister. No dear readers, these are not fictitious situations, they are true. The rubber band was of the perfect amount of tightness. It was not too tight. Not too loose. Every once in a while Princess Smartypants could stretch stretch streeeetttchhh the rubber band and move away a bit further out, but the rubbreband always unstretched itself and Princess Smartypants found herself catapaulting back to the tight unstrecthed center. Although Princess Smartypants had the prefect life stuck inside that not-too-tight and not-too-loose rubberband, she always wondered what life was like outside the rubber band. Far enough outside that she wouldnt have to be squished back inside whenever she ever so slightly tugged on the sides of the rubber band. No she didnt wonder, she craved for a life far enough outside of the rubberband. Because everyone else outside of the rubberband seemed to be so free. Nobody else seemed to be living ina rubber band. Infact her best friend or any of her friends infact didnt seem to have a rubberband around them.

One fine day Princess Smartypants decided enough was enough. It was time to explore the outside world. But she knew the rubber band was not-too-tight and not-too-loose. So she decided to tug on a little by little and see how far it could stretch. But she wasnt absolutely sure it was the right thing to do. I belive she was a little worried about what might happen to her if she tugged too hard and the rubber band ripped. So she tugged and she tugged. She stopped at a point where she was exactly far enough from the rest of the family, so that they could fling back the rubber band whenever they wanted to, and she could come scampering back. She felt like she was almost outside of the rubber band, but yet felt the tightness around her. It was ok. She liked it that way. It was half way from inside the rubber band. And half way from outside the rubber band. And after all, she didnt think she was ready to pull the rubber band farther away...she was still scared it might rip.

After a couple of days Princess Smartypants got started to feel strange in this new situation. The empty space inside the stretched rubber band started to get in the way of other people's rubber bands, and gradually the emptyness started to grow. Why? Because she suddenly realized that she was still tugging on the rubber band, and was actually moving farther away. This was new to her! She suddenly got really adveturous and pulled really hard . She wasnt scared or ripping the rubber band anymore! But to her surprise, the rubber band didnt rip. Instead it just strechted and stretched and stretched and stretched so far out...that she felt like her strength would give in. Stretching the rubber band became the most important task in her life! She put in all her effort to stretch it farther. Eventually she reached a point where she turned back and couldnt see the rest of the family anymore. It was a new sense of excitement. She had done it. She had stretched the rubber band as farther than anyone had expected her to. Although it was really really hard for her to keep the rubber band stretched so far out, she was determined to keep it that way. Although every once in a while she would get so tired, she just wanted to give up and let go of the sides. And she longed to be catapaulted back in...but she wouldnt give up. This was her achievement. This is what she grew up dreaming about. And she made it. Nothing or nobody could make her give up. And to this Princess Smartypants stands very tired and almost worn out from putting all her living energy into keeping the rubberband stretched out. Now she dreams of going back into the center of the not-so-tight and not-so-loose rubber band, and she dreams of feeling stuck inside it once again. Although in the back of her mind I believe she knows what she has done is a great achivement, and not a lot of people would be able to keep the rubber band stretched for so long. Infact, the rubber band seems to be getting tighter everyday, and is getting harder to hold out. But she will not give up. Maybe some day she will take a break. She will reach out of her rubber band ( while still making sure she doesnt rip it), and she will pull around her the rubber band of her Prince In-Shining-Armour. When she feels absolutely secure standing in the intersection of the two rubber bands, she will let go for a bit. This time, she will stretch the Prince In-Shining-Armour's rubber band as far as she can take it, and let the other rubber band squish her back into the family. Thats the day she is waiting for. She knows thats the most she can do for now. But as of now, she is still waiting. For the perfect sunrise. The perfect morning when she will wake up, and realize all she has actually made all her dreams have come true. She knows her childhood dream has already come true. But her grown up dream still awaits in front of her. Princess Smartypants knows that dreams do come true. Only if you know how to pull the rubber band to the perfect distance.

I would like to say, and Princess Smartypants lived happily ever after...but Im not sure if she did. But this much I can say...life is all about rubber bands, and how much you pull them. One day hopefully Princess Smartypants will be living happily ever after. The day she wakes up to the perfect sunrise.

THE END

PS. Rashed come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkk.....dealing with two rubber bands at the same time is one too many ok??????????????????????

blah

2005-08-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

DO NOT...and I repeat...DO NOT go grocery shopping when you are so hungry you could eat a horse. The results are nothing but an overflowing fridge and underflowing bank account. And my experience tells me, those are both a total waste.

Today is the second day a random person in the elevator complemented me on my shoes. So very random.

Coffee only smells good, and creates cravings. But when I actually drink some, it makes me feel sick. I shall stick to coke. ( the soft drink...not the drugs, just incase someone's wondering)

I want to go home.

And I have to plan September really well in order to meet both my deadlines. It has proven to be fairly technically challenging working on two completely different programs, and even more technically challenging to frequently switch between languages. I was using System.out.println repeatedly in some c++ code to log debug info, and was about to bang my head on the desk because the damn thing wouldnt compile. After a very prolonged ( dont want to mention how long) experience of frustration and self degradation, I realized where I was going wrong. And needless to say, felt like kicking myself. All in all... I need a plan. A good one too. My september weekends are going to be crazy. Long weekend in Toronto. Weekend after that in Tremblant. Weekend after that in vancouver. And the weekend after that possibly in Quebec City. Wow that sounds good....specially wehn put in writing:D Im a Fall kind of person...not Summer. So I try to enjoy my one month of perfect weather yay:) So basically I will have no weekends. AND I will have to figure out how to keep sane at work, while making it to the deadlines without any major pitfalls. :S

I feel so much better after a very late dinner. And all the cleaning up. Im so glad my room mates finally came around and started helping me out.

My blog is officially becoming the most utterly and bitterly boring thing. Infact, it even bores me to write so much boring stuff. Maybe that just means my life right now is amazingly boring...hmmm.

ByeBye Summer

2005-08-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

You realize how desparately you are craving for a break, when you find yourself laughing out loud at Will and Grace. That too while you're not really watching it, but listening to it in the background, while simultaneously a) cooking shrimps and tofu in the kitchen b) doing your laundry in the basement c) mopping the stairs d) watering the plants e) talking to housing services people on the phone. Yes, life can sometimes be an absolutely dry and boring collection of routined ( or random) events.

On a more subtly relaxing note, I dont know what to tell my manager ( and every other person at work) who seems to be under the impression that programming is not for me, and I should be seeking a more people oriented career in marketing or customer network planning. It would really help if she would sort of do my homework for me. I mean I have no idea what kind of positions she is talking about, and I dont seem to have a lot of time to actually make a decision. Time to think some more...

The only reason I am blogging now is because I have way too many things to do, but I dont feel like doing anything. I am SO moving to Masumas place tomorow, and not coming back home for a good long week. Uggh. Home has turned into a place I dont want to come back to! Too many things to do...too many things to do aaaaaaaaaa.

The bbq today was awesome. The weather was perfect. Creepy guy from the 4th floor still continues to be creepy, and freaks the hell out of me by showing up at OUR directorship outing, and not going to his! What a creep! I am still debating on whether I should actually go up and say Hi to prove to him that there is no need for him to stare from a distance, but rather he can come up and talk to me!!! The whole time at the beach while everyone else was chilling and having fun, mr creep decides to sit under a tree with his headphones on and not socialize with anyone at all!!! Whats up with that???? I just remembered soemthing...D from Mr creeps group was asking me yesterday whether I had a boyfriend or not! But at that point I thought he was asking just cos he wanted to know if I would come alone to the party on the 16th!!! Maybe mr creep was involved in that somehow...EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Work place scandals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyday when I walk into work I hope mr creep wont be there...but alas, that day has not come yet! Maybe I'll just wait it out till december when my work term ends...and I wont have to deal with it anymore haha! But still....EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

The Random Busy Sunday

2005-08-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

Saturdays are my favorite days of the week. See, its the first day of the week that I get to sleep in late without having to climb out from under the warm and snug sheets and walking the distance to shut the alarm clock up. Ive been increasing the distance from my bed to the alarm clock by the maximum amount, and yet I find myself crawling back in. But thats another story. And on Saturdays I get to get out of bed thinking I can sleep in tomorow too yay! (btw I cant remember how to spell tomorow anymore...2 m's or 2 r's?) And also on Saturdays I can slack of from doing all the house hold chores by telling myself that I can do it all tomorow:D

But.. sadly when tomorow comes, Im swamped with so much unnecesary crap, that i dont get anything done! So the lesson learnt is that I should use my Saturdays wisely. But I seldom actually act on my lessons learnt, so my life will continue to be the same.

Today is one of the most beautiful days in the past couple of weeks. More like past whole summer. But Im stuck at home cleaning up my room mates crap, because she was in a rush to move out. Hmm...I seem to be doing this every term. I think Im just one of those people who people assume to be there when they need help...AND assume that I have nothing better to do, and will always help out no matter what.

Ive officially declared that I am not-that-into corporate engineering jobs. I want to explore a career in teaching. I dont think anyone I know sees me as Professor Rehman ( *HAHAHAHHAHAHA I dont see myself as Professor Rehman...Hillarious!!!*), but it may as well be a possibility. 9 to 5 jobs can get annoying at a certain point. Although Im still finding it exciting, I can see it getting annoying easily and very soon. So Ive officially completed a full circle of career choices. From dreaming of becoming an astronaut (at 8), to the CEO of my own company(9 to 18), to contracted consultant(19 to 20), to a regular designer/developer 9 to 5 er(20-23) to a professor! Needless to say I also grew up in the process. I say full circle, because a Professor is exactly what I was destined to be...but I was supposedly in denial all my life!!! Although the pros and cons are still being considered...I might as well just prepare myself for it! I would hate to make a drastic career choice smack in the middle of an already budding career. Not sure if that actually made sense. But in the end, my career isnt everything. I probably have a lot more to my life. Maybe I'll actually get to travel at some point in my life. Although I try to keep that in the background at all time, because I know that as soon as I start thinking about my traveling plans, it grows bigger and bigger and takes up all my waking time. But yes I do have traveling plans that nobody else knows about *muahahahha*!

I am officially sad too. Rashed left for Bangladesh, and I dont have anyone to call today!!!So I havent spoken all day!! Well msn spoken yes, but not actual speaking:(. I think I slightly miss the khalas calling me every day of the week. It only started bothering me when they would start talking about potential marriage plans with strange men. Otherwise I do like talking to them both:) I cant wait to go home this December:D Yay:) Now that I have the M-C wedding and flying home dates worked out, I feel alot happier:)

Ok time to get back to cleaning...ew.

...and life goes on

2005-08-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Dadiamma,

You know, I had a dream a long loooong time ago....maybe a couple of years ago. But I still remember it! I dreamt it was your 85th birthday, and we were celebrating it hindi movie style!!! We were at Chowdhury Lodge, and somehow in my dreams it was like a mansion ( kinda like the palace in Anastasia). And we had people playing violins and a grand piano, and there were lots of dressed up people, lots of food! And a huge huge cake that said "Happy 85th Dadiamma!". I guess that will always remain a dream. Chowdhury Lodge doesnt exist anymore. And you didnt wait for us to celebrate your 85th.

I dont think Ive still come to terms with the fact that you wont be there when I go home this winter. Tasneem sent me pictures of Naniamma's birthday, and this seems to be the first time I remember celebrating Naniamma's birthday without you. It was just one cake. One candle. One card.

But dont worry, because I try not to be sad. But its hard not to be sad! I couldnt sleep all night on your birthday because bits and pieces of my memory of you kept on coming back. And I kept on hearing your voice from the last time I spoke to you. I called you, and Im not sure if you knew it was me. You held the phone and said 'batha'. And I asked you kothay batha? You said shobkhane. And I keep on hearing you saying that. I heard your pain in your voice. And thats why I try not to be sad. Because you're probably not in pain anymore.

Last year on your birthday you were telling me that this maybe the last. Of course I didnt belive you! And you said you would have all the coke and ice cream because it would be your last. You also told me that after you were gone I wouldnt even remember your birthday. Thats not true. I always will. All of us will. I dont think my memories of you and every little piece of advice you gave me will ever fade. Some times the things you taught me were a bit outrageous, I must admit! Like using a different towel for every part of my body! Or having coke after every meal, cos it helps digest food better! Or changing clothes every few hours! But the life lessons you left with me will always be here to take me through the rest of my life. And infact even though you left without me being by your side, you left me with a life lesson. I guess everyone will leave, and I will have to come to terms with it. You just had to be the first one, telling me how to deal with it.

You will always be someone to look up to for advice!

-Sameen

Family vs Friends (i.e East vs West)

2005-08-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

The question is, should I miss Maria and Chris' wedding to spend an extra week with my famliy this December?

There comes a point in such arguments, when you really feel the need to shut up. There is no way I can even bring myself to explain to my family that I should cut my vacation at home short in order to attend my best friend's wedding. My best friend on the other hand, does not see or understand why exactly being with my family for 7 (actually 5) extra days, after almost 2 yrs of not being with them, is absolutely crucial for my psycological well being in the Winter term.

The first time I faced a culture clash unfortunately had to involve the wedding of my two best friends ( to each other of course!), and the (im)possibility of visitng my parents after one year and 8 months.

Should I cut short my familiy visit to be my best friend's maid of honor? My bengali self says NO. But the canadian (friends) influenced me says YES. Dunno what Im going to do. Time is running out. And I cant negociate with either side.Hmmmppphhh.Grrrrrrrr.

Im missing my Rajshahi days again. Somewhere between my painful 8 months in RU and the amazingly happening and eventful 3.5 years in Ottawa, I still feel incomplete! Living away from home and family in a carefree independent life maybe every teenager's dream...but is it always as amazing as it seems?

Im annoyed with my horse riding teacher. She refuses to promote us to the next level.Aaarrrghhhh. Im really angry actually. I refuse to pay all that much money again to stay in the same level. I demand a refund. The picture is me and my horsey Ginger:)...whom I dont get to ride anymore:( Sadness.

sleepless in ottawa

2005-08-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

I cant sleep. Weeknights are so annoying. I try to force myself to sleep early. But I cant get to sleep. Which results in not being able to wake up early enough to catch the last bus to work. Ugghh.

I just realized today that I find immense pleasure in cooking and cleaning, when its not mandatory. So although I have the skills, I will not make a good housewife( not that I intend to!). Cos no mandatory house work. Only once in a while when I feel like it. I typically feel like it when someone else is involved. Like when someone's coming over, or when Im cooking for someone else. Never for myself.

Giving people guilt trips and eventually forcing them to do favors for me is becoming a habit. I must reform myself. Even though that may result in not getting free rides from friends..hehe.

Ottawa is really beautiful, now that Ive stopped being bitter about the heat. I walked out early this morning, cos it was too hot inside. But it was beautiful outside. A slow breeze. Birds. Clear skies. Then suddenly I smelled it. The smell of winter. Very very mild. Almost non existant. Suddenly appearing. Then dissappering again. But Im pretty sure. It was that strange sort of mellow yet mesmerizing smell of the cold. It was probably completely imaginary. Theres no way winters creeping in so soon. But one can never be sure. Its Canada. Thats how the weather works. Totally unexpected. I must say though, it was sort of like a relief after the horrible heat...specially in my room. I might be looking forward to the winter actually. Its funny how I love the change. Although I complain like no other, I still enjoy the weather when it gradually starts getting colder and colder and colder untill I cant breathe properly anymore! But Ottawa is pretty no matter what. I think I can finally dare to say...I like living here!

The Pink Room

2005-08-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

My room is officially complete. And Pink. After almost a 7 month search, I have finally found something to use as a bedside table. That was the only piece of furniture missing from my room. My search finally ended at Linens and Things. I have no clue why I even chose to go there. Maybe it was God's will:P Saturday afternoon blues. Last week it took me to Home Outfitters. This week it was Linens and Things. Im becoming so involved with my room these days. Its like an obsession. I cant wait to get back from work and go into my room. As soon as I come into my room I start cleaning and organizing it. The most recent addition (before the bedside table thingy) is the pink star and pink lava lamp. Thats what happens when you post your wishlist two weeks before your birthday! You get the perfect presents yay!

Discovery of the day: Warning on a coffe mug - Caution: Contents inside maybe hot. Spillage may cause injury. *Duhhhhhh!!!!*

Funny Happening of the day: Some brown 'uncle' getting on 111 Lincoln Fields... arguing with bus driver saying Lincoln Fields is the other way! Must love the brown uncles...they can be hillarious sometimes!

Ugly happening of the day: Meeting Priya on the bus, and grossing her out by showing her my sunburnt peeling skin.

Best part of the day: Discovering Anadjeet's CD pack with hundreds of burnt movies...yayayayayaya...I finally have something to waste more time on:D

K, enough ramblings. Have to get back to decorating my room with the new bedside box thingy and all the pinkness...that looks orangish in the pics above! Too-da-loo.

Islam for Non Muslims

2005-08-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

I took my best friend and her fiance to listen to Sheikh K Yasin's lecture about the purpose of life. It was cool. Totally geared towards non muslims, so I was glad I took M and C. They enjoyed it. But most of the time I find I dont know enough about Islam to answer people's questions. I guess thats what happens when ure born a muslim and grow up a muslim in a very moderate relaxed atmosphere. You start to take it for granted. Totally.

M thought it wasnt right that the speaker kept on saying that Jesus (the bible) acknowledged Muhammad(pbuh) and Muhammad(pbuh) acknowledged Jesus. I know and can explain the second part. But as for where and how in the bible Muhammad was prophecized...I have no idea. So if you know anything related to this...please give me a shout. I really want to clear it out with M. As for M's other concern, she didnt like the fact that it was mentioned that Jesus never declared himself as the son of God. People did. That too...I cant explain. But all in all...I liked the lecture...it was reassuring:)

Recently Ive been feeling, intelligent people who otherwise belive to be knowledgeable and educated about how the world and nations and cultures work...are overusing logic to analyze the present day situation of the world! Sometimes when I think about it, I cant believe how media can create waves of mass belief or rather hysteria.

Like this guy. Unless otherwise stated, his ideas and thoughts probably all fall into place, and Im assuming he's a lot more knowledgable about political issues than I am, but really...if you truly want to prove something that is sort of on the borderline in terms of global controversy...you can place all your evidence on one side and close the case. I realize its this person's freedom of speech, just as it is mine...but I find it to be very depressing that this is exactly how the world works. The media tells the world something. The mass grabs hold of it, and analyzes it. When the mass happens to be particularly not aware of the topic being portrayed by the media, the media chooses what the mass should decide. The mass in return lives with this pseudo belief that the decision or opinion is his/her own. Technically, everyone has the right to speak their mind...but shouldnt we speak it after we've analyzed things from a neutral stand point? The logic I was talking about initially wasnt the logic used by the mass to reach their pseudo beliefs. It was common sense. Dont generalize or judge something or someone when you dont know enough about them! Even if you know a hundred muslim people....is that enough to make a judgement by? How well do you know these people? If you know them really well you will realize most of them are like you or me. They have a religion. They have a nationality. They have a culture. Chances are each of these are different for each of the hundred people. Each of the hundred probably wear different clothes. Eat different food. Have different lifestyles. The only thing they have in common are that they belive in and love the same Allah. Maybe one or two of the hundred love Allah so much that they are willing to die for him. But thats what you tell your girlfriend or boyfriend too sometimes hehe! But do you really die for your girlfriend or boyfriend?? ok bad comparison. But probably proves my point. People have different ways of expressing themselves in higly emotional states. If one of your brothers and sisters have suicidal tendencies, doesnt mean all of you are the same just because you have the same parents. Yes you and your brothers and sisters have some similar values, but that doesnt let me reach a general assumption that you're all the same in every single way. I cant evaluate your sister's past behaviour to make an assumption about how you will behave in a certain situation.

Sometimes sociology, psychology all those things seem really cool. But sometimes their theories are so overused...its sickening. I totally understand where people are coming from when they make judgements about Muslim people. But really truly, it makes me sick. I know I know. Thats just how the world works. I turn the tv on, people analyzing muslims. I open the papers, people judging muslims. I go to lunch with co workers, somehow it comes up. Really...is it necessary???And YES THERE ARE MODERATE MUSLIMS THANK YOU. Some of us actually have a life of our own, and like to practice our religion in our own private way. We're good decent people who mind our own business, help people in need, do good deeds, and most importantly pray to Allah that eventually most people will come to realize that its not Islam that is the problem. It is all those smart-ass know it all people who just choose to point fingers at everyone else in the world and use their emmense(immense?) knowledge to watch from far away and analyze and re analyze and over analyze other people's issues and stick their noses into what truly is not their business, and close their eyes and ears to the rest of the world. And needless to mention, these people maybe of any religion, caste or creed.

So thats all for tonight's rant. I get involved way too much! To hell with the media and stupid people! As long as my own belief holds strong throughout thick and thin...I shouldnt be the one complaining! Infact it really doesnt affect me in anyway. Its just that, if I could have it my way...(i.e the whole world would name me queen,and listen to everything i say *smirk*)...the world wouldve been a very peaceful place. As for now, all I have in my power is to blog about my dissapointment about anti islamic feelings!

Best Friends

2005-08-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

I just called my best friend from school. It was weird at first...cos we were going through the whole long distance phone card time lag issues! But eventually we got in sync, and things were good. Too bad she had to leave for class or something. But i'll call tomorow again. Catching up on high school gossip is fun. The first person out of my high school graduating class to get married is Shamsad. Which is hillarious, cos she didnt seem like a person who would get married so soon! That to ... to her prof lol..a young one, so dont get grossed out. One of my friends got the DV lottery and is moving to the states. Weird. She doesnt want to move at all. Her Dad is forcing her to. Alas. Another innocent life gets lost in the federal madness. High school friends moving away, and making new friends/boyfriends/girlfriends. Me moving on. Funny how people go their own separate ways.

Sun Burns

2005-08-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

Turns out I am one out of a million brown people who have extreme sun sensitive skin, and either I have to stop doing outdoor activities altogether, or use extreme proection (SPF 60 or higher if possible!). That makes me real real sad. Im a very outdoorsy person. Not a sporty one. But just outdoorsy.And now I cant be outdoorsy anymore. That really strains and restricts my day to day life...boo.

The week in a sentence

2005-08-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

I missed you blogggyyyyy!!!...cheesy...but true...went through my lil to do list...and i surprised myself by doing most of it...the only outstanding issue remains my passport...which will not get done untill i recover from my extreme sunburns and look like a human again..cos i have to take a picture...and i look ugly and gross right now...ok thats all i did all week. There...one sentence.

TO DO list for the week of Jul 25 - Jul 29

2005-07-25T07:06:00.000-07:00

1. Renew passport -
- Take pictures (1 day)
- Pick up pictures (1 day) *otherwise pick up pictures same day, and pay double*
- Find a guarantor to sign it (1 day)
- Submit papers at the Sparks st office ( 1 day)
2. Get my stupid G1 -
- Find out where the test center is and go write the darn test (1 day)
* if failed, go another day (1 day) .repeat*
3. Submit 4th yr project application
- Wait for Prof Zhang to write back (indefinite)
- Type out letter with graduation plan ( 1 day)
- Go and submit letter at the doe office (1 day)

Note: This list does not take into account my capability and willingness to do things, and ignores the slacking off factor. It does however take into account the fact that I work 8 hours a day and spend 3 hours a day to get to and back from work.

Conclusion: I NEED SOME SERIOUS TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS.

Weekend Ramblings

2005-07-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

I got a normal stay-at-home weekend after a long long time. After a month exactly. It was good. I enjoyed being a bum for a bit...but then I got bored!

My eternal dream of buying the perfect skirt (perfect length, perfect color, perfect lining, perfect shape, perfect stiching, perfect flare,perfect amount of sequins on it, and last but not least perfect price) came true on saturday. To celebrate, my room mate and I decided to go to a Lebanese festival which was amazing. First of all I didnt realize there were so many Lebanese people in Ottawa, and second of all, I didnt realize how their culture is so similar to ours. The dances were hillarious! The stage shows were mostly in Lebanese (Arabic?), so I had no idea what they were saying. But I figured it was a skit about a wedding, and the people kept on bursting into song and dance every few minutes. The funniest when the guys started hugging and kissing each other! The highlight of the night was all the cotton candy I indulged in.

I am still suffering from the annoying knee and ankle pain from my 3 and a half hour bike ride from Friday night. It was sooo much fun. I never went down that bike trail before, but apparently it goes all the way into Hull. It was really really pretty at night. But once it hit 11:30 and we sorta reached the end of Ottawa, we started noticing druggies by the river and there were strange smells! So we decided to head back. There was one of those party boats going by too, and it was hillarious, because there were a few drunk guys waving to us frantically from the boat saying they wanted to get off the water! Haha! We quietly ignored and rode away:) It was lots of fun. I want to do this more often, but never at midnight again! It got kinda scary and dark.

Today is official bumming out day. I officially did nothing. Although Rashed has given me a 24 hour deadline of reading the book and writing the test for my G1(drivers license), I dont think I will be able to meet the deadline at all. I was supposed to write the test in march haha! The deadline isnt really 24 hours. The deadline was originally sometime in March. But I was lazy and never did it. And now its at the point where Rashed will flare up with rage or hang up the phone everytime I mention the test, and so I figured I should do it soon, and the only time I have is tommorow. Yikes. Maybe I should go flip through the book.