off to see the world...not really!haha!

So me off to Toronto. I went shopping yesterday and bought one of those white blazers... the spring ones. I was hesitating...cos its 55 dollars:S but still wanted to go ahead and buy it...then i went to pay and the girl says the pants come for free with the blazer!!!!!! yayayay! i LOVE free stuff hehe.

Anyways...i dont know why i would go shopping in ottawa, even though im going to toronto. Probably want to spend time with my cousins family rather than shopping. Nothing exciting has happened recently. Other than me going on a crazy room mate hunt. Weird msa people keep on calling and asking if there are non muslims in the house who eat pork! And i got a call yesterday, the girl asked me if i wear hijab or not:...i was like...uhhh .. .does that make a difference??? I pray! but no hijab. And shes like ooo ok...(in a dissapointed way).hmmmmm. Maybe it does make a difference. But, if it were me, I would first come and see the place, meet the peopel then make a judgement. Weird. I guess for me surroundings dont make a difference. Ive prayed Esha while my room mate was blaring crazy latino music one night..and it didnt quite bother me...other than having to start over my prayers every second time lol. But that is exactly why Luz must leave!

The room mate market is strange. Its so hard to find a match. But I consider our house the most successful house of 5 around! Although we have tiny personal issues, like people eating other peoples food, or people not washing dishes...we havent had any major falling outs as of yet. Which is pretty cool given that we've been tolerating each other for 8 months now!

... stay tuned for details about my toronto trip;)

Last Day At Work

...And will I miss it? NO WAY! This was the most boring job Ive ever had! Well no, thats being too harsh. The work itself wasnt all that boring, cos I was doing so many different things. My cubicle was BORING BEYOND DESCRIPTION!!! Im a very sociable person..and I need to have people around me to talk to! ANd this place...o man...all the boring old grad students (and all of em ugly men). All the 5 guys...came in and saw me every single day for the last 4 months, and none of them, I repeat NONE of them know my name! I know theirs..I know so much about them...cos I made an effort to socialize, but they didnt even care that I existed! The littly undergrad co op student! HOW MEAN. grrrrr. I wont miss this place! Its so strange..at the leadership workshop a couple of weeks ago, Ray Findlay had a little session on social skills for engineers. I really truly think thats necessary. Hmmm my next IEEE event. Thats what its going to be!yay:)

But the work term wasnt all that bad. I learnt a lot. And the hours were flexible, so I could come in or leave any time I wanted to! Wainer hardly cared what I was doing, and whenever I did stuff, he seemed happy with it! I hope the next term will be the same:)

AAA Im so bored... I literally have nothing to do, but wait for some person to come and take my keys....booorrriiiingggg....why doesnt anyone update their blogs? I need office reading material again!

Question....

20 people die in a hotel fire in Paris, and whole world goes crazy over it. Oh my god....T-W-E-N-T-Y people died. That is soooooo sad.

The same day, a 9-storey garments factory in some unknown corner of some nameless street in Bangladesh comes crashing all the way down, killing 30 people, and hundreds stuck inside. Either dead already, or waiting to die. There are no emergency evacuation measures in these garments facotires you see. 72 hours through the the rescue mission, and at a temperature of 35 degrees celcius, the rescue workers are finding it hard to work through the stench of dead people rotting inside. But you know what...nobody's concerned. Pictures and stories about the 20 people who died in a Paris hotel have to be flashed all over international TV.

Now finally coming down to my question. See, every year, some kind of disaster happens in this tiny little country, and hundreds of people die. Boats and Ferries sink, buses blow up, cyclones and floods wash away people. But nobody's ever concerned. Its like everyones used to it. My question is, does a frequent occurance of hundreds of people dying make the people involved less important? I mean, just cos hotels in Paris dont burn down usually, (but factories in Bangladesh do) the people who died in one of the hotels become more important than those dying everday in random disasters in Bangladesh?

Its not that I have anything against the Paris people, and its also not that Im being biased about my deshi people. Its just a random thought. Do the dead people in Paris deserve more respect than those who died in the bangladeshi factory the same day? Having gone through the death of a very close and loved one recently, I totally understand what the familes and friends of all the deceased are going through right now. But by all means, shouldnt they be respected equally? Or shouldnt both the incindents be given equal international exposure, so that the global community may have the opportunity to pray for them equally?

Taans, Im going to use a metaphor again! You know how Fareeha has so many toys (way too many to be exact), she doesnt play with anything anymore, and she hardly cares if someone buys her a new toy. But when I was a kid I didnt have a lot of toys. So whatever someone bought me would be cherished and played with for as long as possible. I think its the same with countries and their people. Since Bangladesh has too many people anyways, it seems to be ok to lose or gain a couple of hundreds every year...nobody cares. But since Paris (or any other prosperous fancy shmancy city!) doesnt have as many, its a big deal when 20 of them die.

My heart goes out to all those who lost their lives, whether in a hotel fire, or an overcrowded garments factory..and to the families of all those who lost their lives. Allah always takes care of his people with the best they deserve. I hope all these people deserve the best Allah has to offer.

Back

Whats the opposite of up-lifting? Depressing? Probably not. Anyways...just came back from a weekend trip from Arizona which was the opposite of uplifting. Usually my visits to Arizona are the most excting things ever. I always have a good time, and Im absolutely in love with the arizona sunshine all through the year. This time, all that was ok. I spent time with the rest of the family (i.e the entire extended family minus my parents and sister and dadiamma). Got to eat phuppis food for two entire days, which is amazing! And she gave me some to bring back too..which was even more amazing! Its funny...the night before Dadiamma died, I dreamt that I was sitting at Phuppis dining table and eating. Weird. I love how phuppi always has the whole entire table full of food no matter how many people are eating!

So like I was saying...everything about the trip was perfect. I got to meet my Phuppa after 20 years! Chachajaans family and phuppis family came together....to pray for Dadiamma. And thats what was the opposite of uplifting. All these days I was far away from Dadiamma. I hardly ever talked to her on the phone, cos she couldnt hear me very well, and that would upset me, so I didnt call her. Which was probably a mistake. But at the qulkhani, when we were all silently reading surah yasin, I looked around the room. Everyone was praying for her. And suddenly it hit me, she wont ever be among all these people ever again. And then it went deeper. I wont see her ever again. I was so far away from her, but it never felt like I was missing her. And now it seems like a part of me is gone. A part of my life is gone. Its like a strange lingering emptiness. I mean, for the last two years, I hardly ever talked to her... but Taans would tell me what she did today, or what strange thing she told Beli today, and I felt her presence. And now all Taans tells me is from the past. Her memories. Not what she did today.

I came back last night...and felt this over powering sense of emptiness in my room. Dadiamms never been to my room! The only picture I have of her is on my desktop. I dont understand why I cant manage to accept the fact that shes gone.Am I ever going to get over this emptiness??? Probably not. But Im sure if I keep on praying, and try my best to accept it, I will be able to. Like Phuppa. Hes so at peace with Dadiammas passing away. Hes so content. He belives strongly that she is in a good place. And he acepts it. I have to do that too.

Missing My Dadiamma 

coming to terms with it all...

My desktop picture is her sitting on her usual chair in the verandah, with a small towel in her hand,the cool shades on her eyes, and a bowl of ice cream held to her mouth. She didnt know I took those pictures. I stared at it for a long long time....and suddenly it hit me. She is no longer sitting there on her chair. She is no longer asking everyone to get her ice cream and pepsi. Shes lying with her eyes closed...deep deep under the ground...wrapped up in a white piece of cloth. I dont know whats more heart breaking...seeing her smiling with her ice cream in those pics, or trying to come to terms with the fact that shes lying there all by herself, with layers and layers of earth on top of her. Inshallah shes sleeping peacefully, in a better place. Far better than over here. May Allah give us the strength to bear her absence, and give her the best forever. I miss you dadiamma:(

Tasneem's Goodbye to Dadiamma

www.oddments.blogspot.com

Goodbye Dadiamma (innalillah.....rajiun)

Dear Dadiamma,

I just remembered the last time I wrote a letter to you. I think it was when you were in Brunei with Phuppi. And I wrote to you about my Girl Guide Camp to Chittagong. It was a really really long letter. I described every little detail about the trip. You couldnt see very well then, and Phuppi read it to you. Then you called us later, and the only thing you asked me was how did I cope with the dirty washrooms!!! Dadiamma you're so funny....youve always made such a big fuss about washrooms...till the day you went to the hospital. Ammu said you made a fuss about it even in the hospital! I'll never forget that Dadiamma...your 15 different towels for different things...all the different pieces of soap for different times of day. The special slippers you had for every part of the house.

I wonder if you remember that one time you left for Brunei. I think I was about 6 or 7. Your flight was early in the morning. And you kissed me while I was sleeping and left with Abbu. I woke up later crying, cos I thought you would never come back, and the room was filled with that special dadiamma smell.And your towels were all over the bed, cos you mustve left in a hurry. You really didnt come back for a really really long time that time.

The last time I actually went outside (outdoors) with you was in Arizona. I dont quite remember the trips, but the pictures bring back memories. We went to that park with the really big fountain, and you were wearing a beige saree, and black sunglasses as usual. And then we went to see the 4th of July fireworks with everyone. And we parked far away. Chachajaan brought a garden chair for you. And we all watched the fireworks. I really didnt know that was the last time I would go anywhere with you. I was 13. I wonder if you remember that time.

And then there was the time Taans was born. And I was in Naniammas house. You called me and told me you would stop loving me cos there was a baby in the house. I knew you were joking. But I went to the bathroom and cried my heart out, cos I thought you would really stop loving me. But then after Ammu came home with Taans, and I realized how much I loved the new baby I excused you, cos I realized you felt the same way about her. Then one day I asked you if you really stopped loving me because of Taans. Because I was concerned I might stop loving Taans if I had another lil brother or sister. And you were laughing so hard. I was so embarassed!

Dadiamma, remember those times in w-8-e...i think it was right after Binsi got married. You would take a shower and come out to the verandah and you were reading a book called 'Kalo Pochisher Aage o Pore'. And when I came back from school you would be sitting there on the blue chair, with your hair drying in the sun. And you would bug me to take a shower and then when I came out, you would bug me to dry my hair. And no matter how much I dried my hair, you would run your fingers through my hair and say it was soaked, and I would catch a cold. Then you would give me one of your tiny towels to dry my hair.

I remember the day you came back home for the last time from brunei. I went to the airport with Ammu. I waited impatiently to see you walk out of the plane. But you were in a wheel chair. Abbu was pushing you. You were wearing big black sunglasses again. As Abbu pushed you into the terminal, I excitedly walked up to you and gave you a big hug. You reached out and tried to touch me...you were trying to figure out how tall I was. And although I had gained a lot of weight since the last time you saw me, you said "Ekdom shukay gesish"! I was confused. Then Abbu told me you couldnt see me. I was devastated. I knew your eyes werent as good as before, and you couldnt knit anymore. But I didnt realize that you couldnt see me anymore. I didnt know what to say or do. And when we came home...you were the same person, same long stories about your travels, same strange presents like you always brought us, same huge suitcase full of random things you didnt need, but something was VERY different about you. You couldnt see me. We sat down for lunch. Of course we had your favorites prepared. A table full of every kind of food. Abbu and Ammu asked you if they should feed you. You very confidently said you would eat yourself. I was still a little shocked I guess...and sad. You couldnt see anymore. I gave you a pink bowl full of water to wash your hands at the table. Then you ate...yourself. I couldnt stop looking at you the whole time. It was the same you...yet so different. You amazed me by memorizing our house perfectly within the next week. You could do everything yourself. You would even do your own dishes sometimes. I realized how strong you were. Dadiamma I dont thikn I ever told you...I really admire your strength. I admire the way you lived your life. Never giving in. Taans once wrote in her diary that when she grows up, she wants to be like you, and you are the person she admires most. And she hopes she gets your wisdom when she's all grown up. And I read it out aloud to you. You just smiled. Dadiamma I feel the same way...I just never told you. I actually didnt tell you a lot of things. I didnt tell you how much I loved you. The last time I hugged you this summer, right before leaving, and you said to kiss you even though you hadnt gone through your regular morning rituals, cos you thought it would be the last time. And I laughed it off saying I would be back in two years after I graduate, and you should make sure youve gone through your whole morning routine then. You gave me a big hug and told me you wouldnt be here two years later. I hated it when you joked around like that Dadiamma. Sometimes jokes do come true.

This summer when I saw you all weak and emaciated, and you couldnt stand straight anymore, it broke my heart. The year I went away to NSU, you would joke about how you drove me out of the house. But Dadiamma, thats something else I never told you. You were the one who gave me the confidence to move out of home. Remember that night when the power went off, and you were praying outside, and I was sitting on the sofa next to you. When you were done praying we started talking, and I was telling you about how I hated it in rajshahi and all my complaints. And I told you i got admission to NSU. And you asked me if I really wanted to go. And I said I wasnt sure. You asked me what was holding me back. I said I dont know. You told me its easy to want something just because you want a change. But its not easy to want something because you really know it will make a big difference in your life. You told me about when Chachajaan left home for boarding school. And how you cried a lot. And you told me that it will be hard for me and abbu and ammu. But if its something I really belive will make a big difference in my life, I should have the courage to go through with it. And that was it. I decided to go. Dadiamma how could I have never told you how important you were to me? Im sure youre listening to me now. And Im sure you will continue to listen to me for the rest of my life. And Im sure if I have to make big decisions again in my life, and I think about you, you will give me the guidance to go on. Wont you?

This summer, you kept on asking me when I'll get married. And you said you want to see if my daughter grows up to be just as cheerful and happy as me. And I said when I have a daughter the first thing I will teach her is to give you eye drops! And you said nobody can give you eyedrops like me. Dadiamma I wish I could go back this winter again and give you your eyedrops. I really do.

Remember how you were forcing me to drink your calcium drinks? I wish you were there to do that in the winter too. Cos guess what, I really do need calcium now!!!Remember the day we were eating Samosas at lunch time, and you said gorom gorom Samosas are the best things in the world? Remember the day we celebrated your last birthday? I didnt let you drink Pepsi, and you said I would regret after you were gone? I dont regret Dadiamma, cos you finished the bottle the next day! Dadiamma all those times I would tell you not to have ice cream and pepsi were just cos I couldnt bear hearing you cough. It hurt me everytime you coughed. I could see your pain. Im sorry I wasnt there with you when you were suffering from so much more pain. When you couldnt breathe. When it hurt somewhere inside and you didnt know where. When you couldnt get up from bed anymore. When you were in the hospital. Im sorry I wasnt there to tell you Im praying for you. Im sorry I left you. Im sorry I didnt come to see you when you were in pain. Im sorry you had to suffer so much. Im sorry I couldnt do anythng to take away your pain. Im sorry for so many reasons. Dadiamma I wish I could take away your pains. I wish for so many things right now. I wish you didnt have to go away. I wish you could be with us for the rest of my life. I know thats not possible. I know you would have to go today or some day later. But I cant imagine my life without you. I cant imagine going home this december, and not seeing you sitting in the verandah. I cant imagine waking up in the middle of the night and not hearing you saying " Ai ke asish?". I know you couldnt see me this summer, but sometimes I just sat infront of you in the couch and watched u sitting there, so lonely and miserable. I know you werent very happy, and you werent comfortable at all with your health. But I would just watch you sitting there so peacefully. I will be there again this winter. Your chair will be there...empty. Your bed...your slippers...your shelf....your clothes...your medication...your teeth-case...your glasses...your sarees...your towels....your tazbih...your special sink in the washroom...everything. But you wont be there. Dadiamma youre lying in the living room right now, in the khatia i dreaded all my life. Youre covered with your kafoner kapor. Abbu will be taking you to the graveyard in a few hours. I wont get to see you....ever again. Im thinking of you lying there...peacefully...ammu said you have a smile on your face. But Im not smiling Dadiamma. I dont think I'll ever smile the way you remember me smiling. I'll be missing you. I'll be thinking of you. Dadiamma, Im one of the luckiest people on earth. I spent so much time with you. You shared so much of your wisdom with me. You gave me all the love you had, and all the knowledge you had. Im so lucky to have had you there with me everyday of my life when I was growing up...when I needed you the most. All the little things you did for me...all the little words of wisdom you shared with me...none of that will fade away...ever. You will always be in my heart. Dadiamma, Im still crying for you. Thinking of you lying there in that dreadful khatia, with your face covered. I wish I could bring you back. I wish you could see me go through the rest of my life. My children. Taanu's children. I wish we could have the whole family together again in the verandah when the power goes out. Talking about the past...the way you enjoyed it most. Dadiamma, Im praying for you. Im praying with all I have that Allah took all your sufferings away, for today...and forever. Im praying I will be with you again someday inshallah...somewhere spiritual. Somewhere you wont be in pain anymore, and you will have your vision back. Allah rewards his favorite people...and I know you are one of his favorite peoeple. You are one of my most favorite people Dadiamma. And I wish I could see you again. This is my last letter to you Dadiamma, and I was planning to say a final goodbye to you. I dont think I can do that. I cant say goodbye to you. I just cant. But Abbu said I have to let go so that you can go in peace. So I guess I have to let go. Dadiamma I know you're in a better place. With no pain, no sufferings. You can probably see again. And you can probably look down and see me. us. I know youre in a better place:) I love you Dadiamma....and I miss you like Ive never missed anyone else. Dadiamma, you lived your life to the fullest, and enjoyed it to the fullest. Im sure you have no regrets. Whenever youre looking down, I will be here looking up for you. I miss you Dadiamma. My life will never be the same without you. Allah Hafez Dadiamma. I will always miss you.

Completion comes from Within

The entire 22 years of my life, I have depended on someone else to make me feel complete. Obviously when I was growing up, it was my parents. Then for a year it was Mami. And more recently Rashed. I never had the self awareness to realize its just me and me that makes myself complete. Me as a person, starts and finishes at ME. My persona consists of only ME. Everyone else are people who make my life better or worse, but dont complete or arent a part of ME. When I feel something, its only me feeling it. Everyone else can only see it when I let them see it. I will from now on stop seeking approval and support from everyone else around me, instead, allow people close to me to support me when and how they feel the need. The key phrase being "stop seeking". I am not seeking for support. But when support comes my way, I am welcoming. I complete myself. Everybody else are special people who make my life a happier and better one:) Im at peace with myself! Yay:)

here we go again...

Another round of complaints! Here they come! So I put all my effort into fixing this annoying lil button on my program, and demonstrate it to me supervisor first thing this morning. He says Im all wrong. So I go out of my way to waste 3 more hours in doing what he tells me to do. Then he calls me up to tell me that I was right in the first place. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Sometimes things just go so wrong. So now Ive decided not to come in on the weekend to make up for the two days I took off during my extended long weekend. Payback for those annoying 3 hours of undoing redone stuff. So annoying.

On to more cheerful stuff. My blog is ALL about ME. Its weird. I find it so interesting to read blogs which describe things in general, and not just themselves. But then I come back to mine, and I blab on about me, me and only me! Weird.

So Ive been thinking bout Rajshahi again. (btw i have really loud music blaring in my cubicle, i hope nobody walks in right now, i dont feel like turning it down!). Im not sure those were the good ol days, but they definitely were relaxing. I can go on and on analyzing why I felt I didnt fit in, but I still cant come to a conclusion about it!Maybe in terms of dreams and aspirations I was way off track than most people there. But then again, everyone seems to be hoping for the same stuff, and we just ended up in different places. Its so strange how we all ended up in different places. I doubt whether we ever actually thought about this consciously when we were in 11th or 12th. I think it finally hit everyone when I moved away to NSU. The regular afternoon routine of meeting up in front of Tulip's building wasnt the same anymore. It was just them three and Tanwi. But I was the one who moved away, and started a new life. I didnt see the change. The first time I came home for a visit, and everyone was overjoyed...I thought they were freaks! And I continued to think they were freaks for the whole year untill Tulip and Pial moved away, and I came to visit. It was so empty. Just me and Tanwi and Rangon. So strange. So sad too. I wonder how Tanwi deals with it. Hmmmmm. This is the first time Im actually consciously thinking about the huge changes me and my friends went through. Chances are we wil never be the same again. And the next time we meet it will be soooo different. Everyones changed. Everyones grown up. Everyone has their own life. Maybe thats why I didnt quite get along with my very best friends this summer. My thoughts and ideals have changed sooo much. I dont even know how theyve changed....Im so far away. But I guess thats how it always is. I remember the last day in school, everyone was all sad and taking millions of pictures cos we wouldnt see each other anymore. I was busy making fun of everyone for getting so emotional over the last day at school. Yeah...I shouldve taken it more seriously! Not that I miss school all that much...but I dont think I appreciated those times as much as I shouldve. That makes me think I should appreciate my life right now just as much too. As much as I hate being in Ottawa, Im sure there will be a time when I will be missing it. So I guess in the end its all about making the best out of what you have, and enjoying it to the max. Its really easy to complain about things and make yourself miserable. And its not that easy to see the bright side of things when you have your eyes tight shut. Its all about making an effort to make the best of things and surroundings that you have. Thats why I like Shubha so much! Shes amazing. k...back to work.