la la la la la....

I feel like an airhead right now! I have absolutely nothing on my mind right now!!! SERIOUSLY! NOTHING! im not thinking of anythign...i thought it would be fun to write something at this state of mind...hehe this is fun! absolute ramblings:D

k back to thoughs again...Shannons birthday party was actually fun...i think cos the few bengali girls that i actually like..or u know...get along with were there. haha! im so harsh lol! no no ... im downright mean!!! Hey thats what blogs are for!!being truthful! well except Nowshaba. I didnt really hit it off with her, and she doesnt seem to remember me ever!!!!!!!! that was very annoying!

but anyways...shannons nice:)so are nisha and towfiqa:) all in all....i think most people had a good time:)

la la la la la...here comes the blankness of thoughts again! wow this is fun!!! SNLs on tv...i think that what makes me so blank! its so stupid!

i was trying to think of what i would be doing if i were in rajshahi right now...i would probably lying in my parents bed watching tv hahah!!!! or on the phone with friends, while taans and ammu would be in school...and dadiamma in the verandah...and abbu at his office. And then in about an hour i would run to take a shower...cos i spent all my time since waking up lying on that bed watching tv!!!!! then when taans came back from school i would yell at her for being disgustingly comfortable in her sweaty and stinky school uniform ... ew!!! then would wait for everyone to go and have lunch downstairs.then everyone would come upstiars for a nap....but taans wouldnt sleep..she would either sit outside reading, or stare at the computer....then ammu would yell at her..and she would yell back...and continue to do whatever she was doing!!!!!!then dadiamma would wake up in a bit, and abbu would wake up too...and dadiamma would be calling for everyone to come out and have tea with her...and ammu would have to get out of bed...and taans would be forced to come out by nanajaan and naniamma...and we would have tea in the verandah...and then i would go out for a walk with my friends while taans went back to her computer! And ammu would continue to yell at her!!!

WOW .... THAT WAS THE PERFECT PICTURE OF MY FAMILY! ... but chances are ...next time i go home....it will be very different....everything else will probably be the same...dadiamma just might not be there. Why cant Allah just plan for things to be the same forever? Im sure whatever Allah does is for the best...but its just soooooooooooooooo hard to accept sometimes....I just want Dadiamma to be there all the time....I dont want to go back the next time and not see her sitting on her chair asking me to put eyedrops in her eyes 20 times a day:(

o boy....

I spend one entire month brooding over the fact that Im too stupid for any company to want me, and stuff like that...then today...I wake up to two interviews...that too with Alcatel and CRC. Now why did Allah have to do that to me??? Not that im complaining! Im exhilirated (spelling??):D

This just proved something to me. Allah wants me to learn my lesson. NEVER overestimate your abilites to plan things ahead of time. Cos really...you cant ever have a plan...its just an outline(thank u Chris!)! Think about it.....when u plan stuff..how do u know Allah doesnt have something else decided for you?? So I had EVERYTHING planned. I was going to work for Pearce on his Simulator thingy, and take 399 and 351, and TA 306. PERFECT PICTURE. I was soooo comfy with this picture, I overlooked the fact that I had to consider whether Allah wants it that way or not! Wow! This isnt the first time I got this big huge nudge from Allah saying I need to be more aware of His presence in my life!Rashed warned me so many times...I still tend to get carried away with my 'plans'! But so I hereby declare...I will never let my plans take over my awareness ever again!!! God, now I have to start my plans ...no no..outlines all over again. And if my Dad really decides to buy that car for me....things will work out perfeectly again! No two hours waits for buses in the middle of nowhere:) I really need to start researching cars now dont I?? k back to work...o wait its Friday!!! ALMOST forgo!!!!!!!yay:) Guess who's sleeping in tomorow???yay!!!!!!

Timmies on campus

Timmies is apparently closed all summer!!!!!! WHAT AM GOING TO DO??? k lemme elaborate a bit. So the first Monday of reading week, I went in search of my beloved iced capaccino and it was 4:05. EVERYTHING was closed. i was told, during reading week the food court and all related aramark things will be closed at 4. So I fugure..OK, I can live with that for a week. Now I hear...thats the schedule ALL summer!!!!!! omg my worlds coming to and end??? what am i going to do???

k, im just trying to be like my sister. Shes so funny. She loves drama. Her life is incomplete without bits and pieces of drama in it:)

I wanna watch wedding date! Anyone care to join me??? I know its cheesy, but please please please???I dont wanna watch it myself!

ok Im really bored...sometimes Wainer forgets about poor lil me sitting in Architecture, all by myself, staring at the screen hehe! k I will continue my endless wait for his email with the next batch of models to fix.....till then continues my blogging expeditions:)

I MISS MY HOME!!!!

RAJSHAHI! I WANNA GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!yes its boring. yes its slow. yes theres nothing at all to do over there. yes i dont get along with most of the people over there anymore. BUT I STILL WANNA GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

blogging is so addictive! i wasted my entire lunch hour today reading bangladesh blogs, and leaving comments! I regret not taking more pics of rajshahi this time i was there. My long term plan is to have a complete website dedicated to my Rajshahi life. I seriously dont see that happening anymore... but yeah.. I will try me best:D Infact hey! great idea...sameen.tk will feature a page on Rajshahi:D yay! Yeah the depressive mood from last night is fading...I see light again:) so people...send me pics of Rajshahi!!! WEBSITE GOING UP SOON :D:D:D:D

my most productive ideas come up at work around 4 o clock...thats when I start losing it, and keep on staring at the door...waiting to see my co workers leave lol! motivation motivation...ooo forgot have to go tutoring today again:S im so bored of tutoring stupid kids!!!! I loved my student last year. But he left for university:( now its just stupid kids. i hope they dont read this. haha! k..time to work:)

in the depressive state! (gratitude list yay!)

..yes so remember that one posting where I was talking about everything going perfectly, and i was scared things will come crashing down??? well yeah...there u go. I was right. Well sorta right...

I dont like the way things are going right now. I feel Im so cold with people. And I put on this nice smiley cheery face for everyone, and everyone thinks everythings ok! I'm so fake...but anyways...I just dont feel happy from inside.

Lately Ive been feeling everything Im doing is meaningless. I mean, the whole process of leaving home to get a degree seems not too nice anymore. Ive learnt it the hard way that family is the most important thing everyone has. And you really shouldnt leave your family if u have the choice to stay on. I sorta feel responsible for making Rashed leave his family too. Back in the day when I was all big on my career (and my friends careers!), I would go around giving people advice based on what I thought was right (which is logical). I convinced Rashed that the bst thing for him would be to get a respectable north american degree, just so that he gets a proper education. NSU bba degrees are sorta crappy...but whatever. He trusted me on it. I was just trying to do what was best for my best friend. But yeah...I dont know..maybe he wouldve been happier with his family. But I really dont know. Maybe in the long run this is better. But these 4/5 yrs away from home are really truly crappy...so crappy...i dont even know how to describe it. This is not just a phase Im going through. Ive thought it through a lot. And Im pretty sure Im right. Allah didnt want us to become so damn materialistic, that we blindly puruse materialistic benifits, and put the spirituality behind. Wow now I really feel like crap! but anyways...

Im glad I got to talk to Masuma today:) And then Maria and Chris took me out to dinner and mini golf. It was fun. Didnt realize that tiny little place on merivale was so cool inside lol! My back pack was funny...it was all shiny purple, and the outlines were glowing. Random people made fun of me hehe..but its all good. We had fun. I didnt come last..Maria did haha! for a change im not the loser in a 'sport' lol. But she wasnt feeling well...so yeah...They both paid for everything tonight...it was a kind gesture:) theyre so cute:)BUT I HATE SKATING. AND IM NEVER GOING SKATING! THATS A FACT!apparently Mona's a great skater! what are the odds???

ok im rambling.....
as for me own gradtitude list (thanks to masuma for the idea;)):
1. MSN MESSENGER for lettng me talk to my parents whenevr the hell i want to!
2. My sister being the cutest little thing she is. Although shes a drama queen lol
3. My family being so close regardless of how far away I am
4. My parents...are the best!
5. For Allah being there with my Dadiamma. Although I really dont like her suffering all this much. But Allah does whatevers best for everyone. If not in this life, definitely in the next.
6. For having awesome friends/cousins (talked to Masuma and Farah today!once again thanks to msn, i get to keep in touch with F:))
7.Rashed...just knowing that he exists! (this list is definiltey not going in order of precedence!)
8. Having decided about working on campus this summer again.
9. Sort of narrowing it down to between 3 4th year projects.
10. Knwing that I have people to count on no matter what!!!

yay:)

I talked to my Dadiamma today:) She sounded kinda sedated though, which was very painful for me to hear. But she responded to what I said, and so Im happy!

Some people annoy me so much. In todays case, its people I dont know that have annoyed me, and put me in a bad mood. I was browsing through websites about Islam. Not that I was looking for anything in particular, just browsing. Learnt some new stuff. And got pissed at some stuff. I dont understand why majority of the hardcore muslims try to convince others by saying how Islam is better than other religions. That really should not be the damn point. If you tell a person frm another religion how Islam is better than theirs, thats just downright rude! Instead people should take an approach where simply describing what Islam says or tells us to do convinces the other person. Really...what are we trying to achieve here? By the time the world comes to an end everyone on earth has to be a muslim???? If we really want to achieve that, we all have to change our midset. Religion is a completely personal thing. You cant compare it to anythign else. You cant say one religion is better than the other. You really cant. Every person will always believe their own religion to be ther best...otherwise why would they be living by their own religious rules??? I really really realy wish people realize that very soon. I hate whats happening to the world right now. Stupid people in power doing even stupider things. All because the stupid people in power dont want to let go or step aside. If you really want someone to become a muslim, step aside...give them their own time and space to study Islam. If a person goes as far as reading the Quran (of course they have to take it seriously also) theres no way they will not see the magical things about this religion. So people PLEASE step aside! Some people annoy me soooo much! Its a good idea to motivate people, to show them that they do have a choice to question religion. The only way you can find the true answers is to question the ideas set forth. If you put a proper amount of thought into it, you are bound to find the answer. And the answers are always there in the quran, staring u in the face. So go for it! Whatever....im just annoyed. Just STOP trying to prove your religion is better than someone else's. THAT IS SIMPLY STUPID.

thank you

All I was wishing for the last two weeks was for Dadiamma to come back. So Allah did bring her back. Im not quite sure how I feel right now. She cant eat or breathe on her own right now. Was it really selfish of me ( or my sister) to ask for her to come back, when she probably wouldve been in a more peaceful place otherwise??? I dont really know. I dont want her to suffer. I want Allah to do whats best for her. I know Allah always does whats best for everyone. But I dont know whether to feel a sense of relief that shes back, or should I be sad and worried cos shes suffering so much?

when its not even numbness anymore....

My Dad's online right now....telling me that my Dadiamma is about to breather her last. ....Allah please take away her pain....and help us be strong:(

so numb it hurts :(

... Im still waiting for news about Dadiamma. She seems to be hanging in there by a really thin thread:( To me it seems like she doesnt want to let go. I dont want her to let go. But its soooo painful, cos I know it will probably be better for her to go:( Im so miserable. Cant stop thinking about her...lying there in a disgustingly dirty hospital ward...among a whole bunch of random people...rude nurses, dirty floors, irresponsible doctors. Had she been in her senses, she would have NEVER chosen to be lying there on a bed that is not perfectly spotless and germfree, cleaned by one of her personal care takers. Dadiamma....please come back home. I want to go back next summer and see you again:(

All numb inside:(

I dont know what to feel. My Dadiamma's in the hospital. I was soooo damn scared she wouldnt come home anymore. And to make things worse, Im thousands of miles away from her. I dont even know whats going on. I only talk to my parents every 12 hours, and I dont know if they are giving me all the information. I dont evn know how bad things are. My sisters in denial. She doesnt wnt to let go. She refuses to accept that its better for Dadiamma to go away now. I think its easier for me to tell her its ok, and things will be better for Dadiamma where she is going. BUT I REALLY DONT WANT HER TO GO EITHER. I want to go home in the summer and see her sitting in the verandah again. I want her to ask me to give her eye drops. I want her to ask me where I am even though I am sitting right in front of her. I want her to talk to me about all those people I dont even know. I want to listen to her yelling at Beli. I want to hear her scolding my sister for laughing too much. I would give anything right now to be there with her. To share a bed with her again. Things that used to annoy me...I want them all right now. Its horrible how you get carried away with your own life, and the materialistic aspects of life. I feel HORRIBLE for not cherishing the moments I shared with Dadiamma, and not realizing how lucky I am to have spent so much of my life with my Grandma.

Im so numb inside, its terrbile. Im living such a superficial surreal life for the last two days. With the elections...and making speeches...and doing assignments...and thinking about her at the same time. It actually physically hurts inside to think that I might not see her anymore. I wish I could just stand outside and SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS and let it all go....I really wish it was that simple to let go of someone who is soooooooooooooooooooooooo special to you:(

a semi boring saturday night, and my sister's blog

My 13 yr old sister is so upset that she hasnt had a single random person leaving a comment on her blog yet! She amazes me sometimes. Shes only 13 but views the world in a lot more mature way than I do even today!!!

and mercury lounge is sooooo horrible!!! I cant belive I wasted 5 dollars on a cover to get into that dinky little place, with a nasty smelling tiny little bar, with middle aged people dancing to jazz music that the DJ tried to techno up, but failed miserably!!! So that was my Saturday night. I could have gone to the casino afterwards...but mercury lounge killed it! I wasted all my waking energy trying to ignore the annoying music playing!

I wonder why!

When things just start working out on their own, and everything seems to be fine, and you have nothing to worry about...dont you start feeling somethings wrong??? Im so used to having a million things to be stressed about ( a million things dont include homework and lab reports...grrr, but yeah, a million other things), and suddenly everything seems to have vanished into thin air! Its just me, and things working out for me! All I feel is gratitude towards Allah ( and my parents hehe!). Im so not used to being in this stage of life lol. Im so scared somethings going to mess up real soon, and my whole utopian bubble will come crashing down. But prayers power ...yay! Have to keep it up...no matter what:)

As for my weekend resolution... I want to start reading again. Havent had the time to do that in forever! I think I'll start with that Nora Roberts book. No idea what its about..I'll just trust Neha on this one;)

shopping and other stuff

The most annoying shopping issues Ive ever had all involved buying pants! And no matter how much I ignore the fact that I need to buy new pants, its always there at the back of my mind. Its really annoying to be a skinny tall person...who neither fits into petites, nor tall pants!!! Why dont they have special skinny-tall pants? or even fat-short pants!!! Im sure those people have problems too!!! k that sounded really bad...lol.

so I will be buying pants over this weekend.

I was just noticing yesterday, Im the biggest nerd around! Bus rides remind me of electron shells. When the bus is empty, everyone gets on, and sits one each on each seat. Once every seat has at least one person, then the next person has to come and share a seat! Thats electron behavior!!! Is there some strange uncanny link between the way the universe works, and the human mind? Hmmmm......

Feels Great To be on Top of Things

The job search is on full swing again. It sucks. Too many hours wasted on being unproductive. Cos in the end, I just seem to end up with rejections. Like the stupid Nortel job I soooo wanted...then guess what..turns out its an 8 months position!! WHY DID THE POSTING SAY 4 MONTHS???GRRRRR....

Talked to Nilen. Things are good again.

My website is up and running properly again. Just need to update it tonight. www.sameen.tk.

Planning my weekend trip to Toronto. Its been so stressful the last two days, I almost forgot about the trip! Have to call Shubha and make definite plans. I will be so annoyed if shes planning to come to Ottawa the same weekend.

Learnt Eclipse properly too...so works going smoothly:) Wow, seems like everythings looking good again! AND the weather is really nice:) AND im watching a movie with Fatima tonight! YAY!

I knew my no regrets approach would work! ...so yeah...NO REGRETS...thats the way to be happy:)