FRIDAY!!!

Finally!!! I made it to the end of the week. Im so tired, its not funny. Too much stuff to deal with. Havent been able to resolve the co op issue yet. Trying me best to accept my best friend's boyfriend. Just found out that people thought I was being rude to Nilen at the meeting. Now I just feel bad about it. But I emailed him and appologised, so its all good. And Im going out with Maria tonight. So that will be one issue resolved. Im also rethinking my future plans. How important is it realy to be driving myself crazy over my career? Im only in third year!

I need to sleep over all this...that would take a really long sleep wouldnt it! Hmmm...we'll see. I think Im stressing too much. No , I dont think, I know Im stressing too much. The fact that I have to take two courses over the summer, while working, is driving me insane!

More Ramblings...

So I wake up this morning, intending to get to work by 8:30. Guess what...horrible traffic, and the bus just decides not to come. So I wait and wait and wait...finally got to work around 9. It wasnt really a bad start to the day...I actually took the opportunity to get lost in my thoughts while waiting for my bus:)

STUPID CO OP PEOPLE....WONT LET ME GET A PLACEMENT THIS SUMMER..aaaaaaaaargggghhhh. ONCE just ONCE in my life I was expecting things to come easy for me. Im so angry right now. But whatever. IM FINDING MYSELF A JOB ANYWAYS. I dont need their help. Its kinda hard to do that...but we'll see.

Im so looking forward to Farah coming over this summer:) Yay! I'll finally have someone to drive places with, not to mention someone who actually has a valid license! Im so excited right now: ) Im already making plans of places to go and things to do. And maybe Rashed can come over too. And then we can actually go on the Gattineau hike thing weve been planning for a year now.

I need to get TV.... I feel so far away from the world without TV!!! Its funny...never realized how important it is to have TV at home ... hehe!

k so for the third time...someone has mistaken me to be a guy!!! I dont get it!!!! lol! I really think its the way I write...but is it??? Wow, I think Im really concerned now lol:)

back to work....

Of Shock and Relief

So my best friend finally found herself a man, and I dont know why, but it didnt really come as a shock to me. Well it did. But in a different way. At the back of my mind I guess I always expected things to turn out this way, but I really dont understand what my problem is with her man! I simply cant accept him as her boyfriend! I mean I was totally fine with accepting Chris, but this guy is simply not digging deep enough. I really truly need to work on this. I need to accept him. I need to change my mind. I havent seen Tanwi this happy in ages. And Im so happy for her. I really am. Its just that, Im having problems picturing the whole thing falling into place, and her parents happily marrying her off. I guess Im being judgemental. I want her to be at peace with her family also. Not just him. I need some time to think this over. I dont think I wanted her to make this decision...but then again, Im really happy for her. Im so confused!

As for relief... I did it. My parents now officially know about my future plans with Rashed. I feel soooo much better now. All this time I would feel like something's missing. I just realized that the missing link was my parent's blessings!!! I sound so old fashioned. But its true. Wow, cant believe this is it. The next step in my life will be getting married! Craziness! But I really cant describe how glad I am that things turned out this way: ) Im glad I finally decided on Rashed, and I think I made a very good choice. Im so sure he will keep me happy for the rest of my life:) Now isnt that cheesy!!!k back to work....

Of secrets and phone cards

I need to eventually get off my bum and buy myself a phone card! So much for eid greetings...the moments over. I dont feel like talking to Junu khala right now. I dont have anything to say. I think theyve both sort of lost interest in me. Or maybe I offended them somehow... I really dont know! At some point this term I will re-establish good relations with them again:)

I hate keeping secrets from my parents. But its not really a secret. Its just that I never get to tell them. So its not a secret. Its just waiting for the right moment. I really didnt want to make this decision on my own. I really really REALLY wanted my parents to help me out. I tried talking to them all summer, but there was really never a situation where I could bring it up. I wanted to hear their opinion, before i formed my own one. That didnt quite happen. I ended up making this decision on my own. Once again, I wasnt pushed at all. But I felt pushed! I didnt think its right to leave someone just hanging there, stuck in the same place for so long, just cos I couldnt find the right moment to talk to my parents! He really needed to move on with his life. And I was holding him back. Actually so was I. But I think things have worked out for the best. Its just that things are very weird now. I dont know if Abbu and Ammu know! I really want to talk to them. BOTH of them. Not just Ammu. But theyre both so preoccupied with Dadiamma right now, I dont want to create an extra thing to worry about. I hate the fact that I cant be there to help Abbu and Ammu look after Dadiamma. I really should be home now. But anyways. I dont know if Abbu and Ammu are prepared to hear me tell them that Ive made such a huge choice without them. I really dont know how they will react. I just wish they would read my blog, and things would be all good. I wouldnt have to live with all the guilt! And I will also have to call Rashed back eventually to let him know that I havent been able to talk to my parents yet! I wish I had taken the time in the summer to talk to Abbu and Ammu. I feel like Im hiding so much, although Im really not. Stupid blog. I waste so much time on it! k I think its time to call people. I will start with Rashed. The walls have closed in, and I have made my choice ... without my parents! I wish I was home. Things woudl have been different. I wouldnt feel guilt. It would be happier for everyone involved. Im going forward by such a huge step. And my parents arent even a part of it:( I guess thats what happens when you choose to move so far from home. I'll just have to explain that to him. Ok, here we go....its phone card time! Long distance calls...here I come:)

When the walls close in

What do you do when you know exactly what you are supposed to do, but you just dont know how or when to do it??? I need to go home. I need to see my parents. I need to talk to them. I can decide things on my own, but I always always always need their opinion!

The future doesnt seem too far away anymore. It scares me. How do people just walk into the future, not knowing anything about it? I just need to have a plan. A plan. Thats all I need.

Ramblings...

So I just celebrated my first eid without new clothes. How depressing! But eid itself wasnt that bad. I got to spend time with me cousins. My fourth cousins, twice removed hehe! I had a good time. Masuma beat me at Monopoly. Ive NEVER won that game! Oh my God, what if thats just reflecting real life!!! What if Im always a loser in real life too???:O Hehe! Im really bored....

I miss Rajshahi eids. Those were the days. (I sound so old hehe) There was a time when I used to take it fro granted. I thought life would always be the same. I wish I had realised how much things would change. Waking up eid morning. Cleaning the house. Taking a shower. Dressing up. Waiting for Abbu to come back from prayers. Having breakfast with Ammu and Abbu and Taans. And Dadiamma. Ammu would mostly be in the kitchen. But it was still a family moment. Wow, I remember almost every Eid breakfast Ive ever had with my family. I think Im having old age problems already!!!Looking back at the good old days, and having regrets about not appreciating them back then. Sad.

Having new clothes at eid was also something I took for granted. Now that I cant really afford to have new clothes at eid, its pretty weird. Well I bought pants for spac. I guess that could be considered new clothes.

Regrets. I hereby promise I will never regret anything ever again. In order to achieve this impossible plan, I would have to start appreciating the present. Its ALL about appreciating the present. No complaints. Absolute postivity!

Like I was saying a few days ago. Rajshahi was the best place to grow up. I hate superficial people. All the people I ( and my family) socialized with in Rajshahi were not superficial. Simple nice people. The complexity of a typical brown life was of course a part of my day to day life, but it was acceptable! I guess I was younger also. And I was used to it. But I didnt have to live a double life to impress anyone. I appreciate that life now. I wish I appreciated it then. Hey! I said NO REGRETS! Its so hard to actually have no regrets!!!

Things have changed so much. I am trying my best to remain 'grounded'. Is that even a word? I mean I dont want to become materialistic. Life is not all about my career, and me doing well in school. Its mostly about family, and relationships. Its about making the most out of what means the most to you. To me my family means the most. And being able to achieve my goals, or absolutely using my potentials is making the most out of life. Its not always about good grades.

I think some of my friends need to realize that. I think you can always get something done, or achieve something if you really want to. Tanwi should pursue her photography career with all she has. Im sometimes disturbed that she isnt pursuing it seriously. I think she has SO much potential she is wasting doing nothing at all. But I also dont know how I can help her! I guess she has to do it on her own. Which is really hard. But she really should start soon. I hate seeing people wasting potential. Its so dissapointing. Sush. He annoys me life no other. What a waste of potential and skills!!!!

I need to call people....eid greetings. Ive been feeling so amazingly lonely for the last couple of days. I feel like Im alone. Completely alone. Absolutely alone. Unlike Masuma, I really dont want to be alone! I dont want to spend time with myself. The last time I did that, I found myself. And thats it. I dont want to find myself again. I think everyone should discover themselves once and only once. After that it should be left to go with the flow. Its differnt for different people I guess. I need people around me to keep me happy. Im so glad I spent eid with Masuma and Fatima, I would be soooo miserable otherwise! Im so glad theyre my cousins:)

I need to bridge the gap with Maria too. I feel like Ive moved so far away from her. Its partly my fault, partly hers. Last term I really really really needed her to be there for me. She wasnt there at all. But she also needed me to be there for her. But I wasnt. How are we supposed to help each other when we're both going through physical and emotional breakdowns??? We REALLY need to figure that one out! Thats also a reason I feel lonely. Last time I checked, shes the only one I had over here. And she wasnt there for me. I guess its justified that I dont really feel the closeness with her anymore. I was depending on her too much. But I worked it out. Im not dependant anymore. Just attached! I was also really angry with her last term. There was a time when I thought she was being selfish. I thought she had a family to go home to every night. A family who took care of all financial matters for her. She has a steady financial state. She has Chris to support her through anything at all. She gets to see Chris whenever she wants to. She has God. She has Sim. She has EVERY worldly comfort in the world. And yet she has a breakdown. The breakdown messed my life up. I didnt realize she messed me up though. I was trying to support Chris throughout, so that he could support her. She didnt see how much it was affecting Chris. It was all about her. And thats why I was angry. I felt she was just putting herself first. And the rest didnt matter for a while. Thats what made me angry. And I couldnt tell her. I didnt want her to feel bad. But I made it worse. I shouldve told her before it went to the point where I was angry. The point where I started thinking... she has everything a person could ask for, and yet she was depressed. But what did I have? I had her. But she wasnt there for me. First it was just upsetting, then it was agonizing, then plain and simple annoying!!! But Im over most of it, so I want to talk to her about it:) I think I'll do that this week!

I want to spend more time with Rashed too. Spend time as in spend more phone time on him. I need to reassure myself that Im doing the right thing. Its only been a month since Ive made my final decision, and Im still freaking out over my parent's reaction. Personally, I dont see anything wrong with the guy. But its just natural for Abbu and Ammu to find things that are wrong. This is probably the hardest time Ive ever had in my whole 22 years of life!!! But I will get through it, and things will be fine. Yes it will be fine! Because I will NOT have any regrets ever again in my life.

Leadership...is cool:D

http://www.ieee-or.org/pace/archive/RayFindlay0802.pdf

...lost in thoughts...again!

Have you every wondered how it feels to be homeless? No, I mean Im sure you've thought, but have you ever really REALLY thought how it feels to be left out in the cold, with nowhere to go? Ive been thinking about it lately.

I mean, how isolated do you think it would make you feel if you had absolutely no friends, and no shelter, and no food? Would you survive? Or would you just die out of isolation and dispair?

I see this old man at the bus stop near Rideau every time I go there. He's always sitting there, playing his guitar and begging. And people passing by give him a quarter or a nickel sometimes. How do you think it makes him feel to watch all these people passing by, minding their own business? Does he ever think about how life would have been if he were to be one of those people? Or does he just take it for granted that this is how his life is going to be? Does he try to imagine what our life is like, just like I am trying to imagine what his life is like?

This weekend I went to the mall, and surprisingly I saw him in the dollar store. He was asking the girl at the cash if they had any cheap gloves. The girl pointed them out to him. He walked over got a pair of gloves and whispered really close to the girl's ears ... "How much discount can you give me?" It was a dollar store. Everything there was a dollar. He couldnt afford a dollar. How poor are you when you cant afford something that costs a dollar? My room mate thinks he was just faking it, and he's really not that poor, and he's just a worthless loser who ruined his own life. Cos this is Canada. The land of opporunities. So how can he not be able to afford a dollar. But the fact is - he cant. Thats how poor he is. How does it feel to be that poor? Have you ever wondered?

My Very Own Utopia

Have you ever closed your eyes and pictured yourself in a place far away from the urban madness, surrounded by endless greenery, where life is so simple yet exciting, and the pace of your day to day life is exactly what you want it to be? Well Ive lived alomost my entire life in a place you can only imagine in your fantasies!

Rajshahi. Its the coolest place to be!

When I was a teenager, I was going through a phase that all teenagers go through. Massive rebellion! But I was always a very calm and well behaved teenager. So to my parents utmost satisfaction, I didnt actually ever rebel. It was just all in my head. Which is very messed up, but still, it worked itself away eventually. As a part of my massive rebelious thoughts, I liked to belive that Rajshahi was the saddest city to be in. I was bored stiff, didnt know what to do with my time, and i strongly believed that I was the unluckiest person on the face of the earth to be forced to live in this lifeless city.

Now when I look back, I realize how stupid I was! Take it from a person whos lived the best of both worlds ( both as in the east and the west!), Rajshahi was the best place to grow up in!

Starting from the ever so long rickshaw rides to the afternoons spent with friends doing absolutely nothing. It was the most relaxed and enjoyable time of my life.

One thing for sure, in your teens theres hardly anywhere you can actually hang out in that city. But after that, when you reach university, its endless opportunities for everyone!

While I was a teenager, I would die to go and hang out in 'cool' places, but there werent any. Instead, we chose to hang out at Tanwi's place. The amount of fun me and my friends had at Tanwi's house probably adds up to twice as much fun I had after high school! That was the place to be. Rajshahi is one of the safest cities in Bangladesh, I must add. And most of my friends were allowed to sleep over at each others houses. ALthough I had the added advantage of living in a small community or University teachers and their families, I had friends coming from outside the campus also. It was a whole different dimension of fun and excitement. Dancing into the wee hours of the night was the main attraction of Tanwi's house! To us it was not only the excitement of being able to have fun like the way they showed on tv, but it was also a means of letting it all go. No restrictions, no boundaries, no curfews. Tanwis house was something else! One of my fun-est memories of Rajshahi!

And my friends. They were the best. We shared so much in common, yet we were all so different. Every afternoon we would meet up and talk till the sun went down! Girls didnt have a lot of places to go, but we made up for that. We were happy with what we had.

While in high school I wasnt allowed to go farther than two streets down from my house. I always lived by the rules. I had to be home by Maghrib. I was always home by Maghrib. No matter what! After high school I was gradually allowed to go beyond 'two streets down', all the way to the end of the campus, where the 'rail line' runs. That was usually where the druggies hung out! I was always taught to be very careful, and wasnt allowed to go there alone. Of course I wouldnt go alone! Its one of the prettiest places of Rajsahi University Campus. Too bad the druggies took it over. But one good thing that comes with the druggies is the live music they play while in a completely high state! Its entertaining. This summer when I went back to visit, my sister and my best friend took me there again. It was so cool! The clogged rain water gave the place a dramatic look. The drains that ran by the area were almost like tiny rivers. Rainy season can be very annoying, but sometimes can be very pleasant also. I sound like Im rambling on, but its really hard to describe when you're not a good writer!

Im bored now, and I've lost my flow of thoughts! I will have to continue this some other time!

Realizations!

I stopped complaining about things, and started to look at things from a postive point of view. Eventually I reached a stand point from where every single thing looks positive! I like this so much better than complaning about everything!

I waited for a bus for 45 minutes last night, outside in the middle of nowhere, in -42 degrees temparature. Normally I would have cried my heart out thinking myself helpless and poor without a car and all the luxuries in the world. Instead I tried to convince myself that there are far more important things to worry about right now, rather than why I dont have enough money to buy a car!

I look around and see 'certain people' who are so self centered and are concerned about nothing else but themselves. In the end Im pretty sure they are a lot more unhappy than I am! So, bottom line being, as soon as you broaden your vision or thoughts, you end up in a happier phase of life. Its really not about MY happiness, MY success, MY achievements. Its actually a collective effort. Its about people around me also. And people who care about me. Or more like people I care about.

...and the saga continues!

My sister is so unbelievably similar to me! She read my blog and thought I have problems. I really dont! Im amazingly at peace with myself. Im at work right now. My supervisor decided to call in sick. It must be so much fun to be the boss. You can do anything you like without having to explain yourself. But it must be stressful too.

Speaking of stress, SPAC is in two days. Yes I am stressed. I want things to go smoothly. But Im sure everyone wants the same. So things will probably work out in the end.

Coming back to my sister, shes so worried "My Man" is some stranger. I would be worried too if I was her. But I guess theres still a lot of time to work things out. And the fact that she thinks that he is "Faree and Nashee's sister's friend"... she is completely wrong! EVERYONE knows I have only one sister! I realize the year I spent at NSU was the year I had hardly any contact with my parents and my sister whatsoever! Partially cos at that point in time, I considered my sister a baby, and only had baby conversations with her. But then I realized how much she had grown up, and we got a lot closer after my very slow realization hit me! I can now consider her one of my best friends. Which is really weird, cos shes 9 years younger than me. But physical age is not always important. That is exactly the case with my sister. She is mentally my age! And I am more than sure, any decision I make will of course be accepted by her eventually, once she stops fuming and thinks about things in a calm and cool way!

Taans I know you're reading this :P So get my point????

God's delays arent God's denials

I love organizing events. I wish I could do that for a living instead of spending my whole life staring at a computer screen writing lines and lines of meanlingless code! When I organize things, I feel a sense of accomplishment when I organize things. I feel as if Ive achieved something and it makes me feel good about myself. But staring at a monitor for a living is not that rewarding. Eventually it probably will be, but right now the prospects of that look very bleak. I have to go beyond my capabilites to try and achieve something that will let me enjoy the rest of my life. What is that something???

I have the same realization every single day. I complain and regret too much! I HAVE to get over it. Instead of complaining, and wasting time regretting about things I cant change, I should spend my thoughts in a more constructive way. Its really easy to think like this, but not at all easy to actually make it work!

Rozel was telling me the other day how he thinks " God's delays are not God's denials". I am soooo glad I talked to him that day. Some times I lose track of that guy's philosophical mumbo jumbo. But sometimes they actually make sense. And this time he made so much sense that I cant get over it!!! Infact things actually make sense in general now. All the time I spend wondering why Allah doesnt give me what I want so bad, is actually a waste of time. If Allah isnt giving me something I want right now, Im sure he has a plan for me later on. And just cos He's not giving me what I want now, doesnt mean I wont be getting it ever! It just means I have to wait a little longer. Its all a part of the plan. The big picture. Thats what I want to understand right now. What is my big picture? But thats too much thinking. I dont think Allah means for us to try and understand what He has in store for us! He just wants us to appreciate what we have and be grateful for everything He blessed us with. I think I can live with that. It will take a little getting used to though...but I can do it!

Junu khala wants me to marry some Canadian physical therapist!!!! What on earth does a physical therapist do???? Apparently he called of his own wedding some time ago, cos he thought the girl's family would take over his life. What makes Junu khala think he's the perfect one for me! Some people are so weird. I have a faint feeling that this guy and his famliy are hard core Musollis and qualify as a good family to marry into based on the level of religious practice!!! Hillarious!

I hate third year. Its too much work. Even though Im on co op, I cant stop thinking of going back to school. Too much work. I shouldve graduated this year. That would be enough. But no. I have one more year to go. Have to choose my darn 4th year project. Ew! I dont want to. I want to skip this entire year, and start working. Im so sick of school!

But anyways...life goes on! Time to watch a movie! Yay!

I cant belive my weekend went by so fast.....so many tasks incomplete....procrastination...thats what I regret the most! But It seems to have taken over my life! hehe!

Oh My God ... I have a Blog!!!!

hmmm....so I just rediscovered my blog, and Im amazed I actually remembered my password! I cant even remember why I got this blog in the first place. Oh wait...I think I got it so that I could post messages on my sister's blog without being anonymous. How strange!

So lets see...what can I write about today??? This feels so strange. Anyone in the world can now read my thoughts. Creepy actually!

I dont know where to start. I guess I'll start with what Im thinking about right now. How much does race and religion matter when you're choosing a life partner? It's really ironic. Lately Ive been having conversations about this with almost everyone I know! Well most of the people I know are south asian females, so it's kinda obvious. I guess most south asian females in their early twenties start pondering about 'life partners'! Time goes by so fast...I never thought I would be in this situation too!

I was talking to a good friend the other day. She's a Pakistani Muslim, born in Canada, lived most of her life in Saudi Arabia, went to an American High School, and now is back to Canada for university. She was telling me how she left her religion because she thinks it gets in the way of love, and she belives religion shouldnt be an interference in day to day life. I dont know how much I actually agree with her.

Life is way too complicated and cant be justified by logical reasons. I dont think my life was meant to be analyzed. My life should simply be things that are happening. I dont think things happen for a reason. They just happen.

Ok Im getting bored of writing this already! hmm...what else? Oh yeah...My Dad.

My life till this day is being lived for my Dad! Which is very strange. Because I just realized that a little while ago. Well no, not exactly for my Dad. For my Mom too. But in a different way. I guess I can put it this way. Everything I have achieved so far is because of my Mom, and everything I want to acheive is for my Dad. I live my life everyday trying to make my Dad proud of me. But I dont think Ive ever been able to let him feel proud of me. And I doubt whether I will ever be able to do anything that will make him proud. I lost my scholarship this term. My marks were really bad. I went from an A average to a B+. Losing my scholarship wasnt my first concern. My first concern was that my Dad will be dissapointed in me. Not that my Dad ever pushes me for anything. He's never ever pushed me beyond my limits. But I feel pushed regardless! He's never told me I dissapoint him. But he's also never told me that he is proud of my accomplishments. My Mom on the otherhand, and Naniamma, have made it clear to me, without ever telling me directly, that they are proud of me, and what Im doing with my life. Well actually I overheard Naniamma talking to Binsi....but still she didnt tell me directly! Coming back to my Dad, I really dont know why I feel this way. I feel, I have to go beyond my capabilites, beyond my limits to achieve extraordinary goals, just to make my Dad proud! Why do I stress myself out over it???? He's NEVER talked to me about all this! When I was younger I would feel that Im a dissapointment to him because I dont read a lot of books, and Im not interested in literature and the arts. I would much rather hang out with my friends and play outside! I think thats when it started. And then when I actually started reading Nancy Drew and Famous Five and all that, he would be dissapointed that I dont like reading classics or sophisticated literature. I didnt grow up to be what he expected me to be. And look at me now. Im slaving my way through Engineering school, trying my best to get the best grades ever, JUST BECAUSE I WANT ABBU TO KNOW THAT IM THE BEST AT WHAT I DO. But no. I messed that one up too. Untill last term I thought things were going great and Abbu will finally be proud of me. But no. Things went sooo wrong. I lost my scholarship. Im not the best at what I do. Im just another B+ student! Someone reading my blog would think Im just another psycho with family issues. You are very wrong. I dont have any issues. My Dad has always been one of the best Dad's ever. Infact both my parents have always been the best parents ever. I could have never ask for better parents than mine. Infact I know a couple of my friend who would give anything to h ave my parents!!! When it comes to trust and believing in me and encouraging me, theyve always been there more than hundred percent.

I feel so sad when I realize that I probably wont ever be able to live with my parents again. When I was moving to NSU, Ammu asked me if I was absolutely sure this is what I wanted. Because once I move out, I will never come back. I was so stupid back then! I was desparate to move out of my home! Little did I know that Ammu was actually right. From NSU all the way to Carleton U. Weird. And Im never going back. Well to visit I guess I will. But never to live there.

I miss home so much. Ive been having flash backs of my life with my family. I remember the time at W-8-E, when sometimes in the summer it used to get so hot, we would block out all the rooms and fill the verandah with water. Ammu said she was cleaning the verandah. I didnt care! I would slide around in the water...and my knees hurt really bad after that, but it was sooo much fun!

I also remember how we used to have earthquakes often back then. I wonder why they suddenly stopped! Everytime there was an earthquake, everyone in the building would run downstairs. It was so exciting! And funny. Cos the earthquakes werent that bad, everyone just got really scared for no real reason!
One day I was playing with Ammu's red saree in my room, and an earthquake started. Ammu tried to change me back into normal clothes, and it was taking forever, cos I was all wrapped around in a saree. Abbu took me on his lap and ran down with me in a red saree! I was so embarassed! I was probably about 6 or 7 at the time.Cant remember.

And then theres the day...waaayyy back when I was 5. We used to live with Naniamma is an aparment, then one day we moved into one of the big twin quarters. I remember that day as if it happened yesterday! I remember moving into the new house, and the furniture was all over the place. I was sitting on Nanajaan's desk and doing my homework, and there were random people all around the house trying to set up the furniture. Why do I remember all this???

Back in the day, when there werent any IPSs, the kids would actually wait for power failures! Cos then you didnt have to do homework. The whole family would come and sit in the verandah, and chat as long as there was darkness around. We had to turn the charged lights off also, cos they attracted bugs. I LOVED those evenings. And I miss them so much now! It was a lot more fun in Naniammas house. Cos you could actually sit outside in the porch when the power was out! I was so jealous of my friends though. Cos their parents let them go for walks in the dark with the neighbours. But I wasnt allowed to. Come to think of it, I wasnt allowed to do alot of things. Wear fashionable clothes, buy expensive things, spend too much time with friends. Wow! There were soooo many restrictions! How did I live through that???? hmm, but I think it was a good thing. I turned out fine! Or so I hope.

So anyways...new topic! I think Ive grown up a LOT in the last 2.5 years. I can make big huge life decisions without doubting myself. ( Although I cant yet choose which pair of pants to buy out of three pairs at SmartSet!) I really can make life decisions. Hey! I really can! And with confidence. I decided to go for co op. Best decision ever. I decided to go home last summer. Another great decision. I decided to find myself a man. Not great, but I would say good decision.I didnt actually find myself a man, he found me. So far Im decided. All I have to do is run my decision by my parents, and things will be perfect! But thats the hard part. What if they dont think this is the best decision Ive ever made?? Ive been through such a long thinking and deciding process to reach a positive conclusion, its not even fun anymore! I dont think I am capable of doing this for another person all over again. This is it. My Man. As far as Im concerned, things are perfect with him. Ive done my math, and chemistry and everything else that one needs to do before deciding who the perfect man is. And I dont want to go through it ever again. Ive made a choice. A very good one. This is it.

This is the one good thing that came out of NSU. Ive known him for almost 4 years now. And Ive respected and trusted him throughout the 4 years. He's felt the same about me. Its very weird to consider him as someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I know I will be happy. This isnt a sappy love story. This is real life hard core practical decision making. You choose the first person you think will realistically keep you happy for the rest of your life. And tolerate all your weakness's. He's known me long enough to know all my weakeness's, and I know his. He's talked me into changing a lot of stuff in my life, and Ive done the same for him. We know each other's ups and downs like no other! Haha, it feels like Im talking about Tanwi!!!! But I think thats great! I have a best friend in him. What more could a girl ask for?